Afterthought

Afterthought

‘I’m fine’ the mantra in my head

The lie I speak everyday

‘I’m not fine’ words you don’t say

But I hear them anyway

 

Carving more of what little is left within

To be there for you

Because I’ll always be there for you

I’ll always elevate you above myself

Sacrifice my needs to meet your own

 

And I know it’s not balanced

I know it’s not healthy

But this is the friendship paradigm

I’ve grown up believing

 

The issue is others don’t see that

They see a good person to talk too

So, they keep doing it

They see someone whose handling everything

So, I keep doing it

Except I’m not

 

I’m slowly cracking from within

Depression seeping under my skin

Infecting old scars, I forgot existed

Meanwhile you don’t notice

You don’t ask

 

I assume you will

And that’s my own fallacy

Even with my autism I notice you’re not okay

I question myself internally

‘Am I really that good an actor?’

Or do you not care to see

 

This belief inside myself that I must prove my worth

I must be the best possible friend I can be

Otherwise, what use am I?

Colliding with a sinking realisation that maybe you don’t deserve that friend

I’m drowning in loneliness, but you never see

 

I’m so used to not saying it

To focusing on you

I don’t even know how to

Worried it’ll be misconstrued

I’m not here to guilt trip anyone

But I feel so forgotten and left behind

An afterthought in your daily life

A presence whose always there

Because I’ve always been there

 

Except I’m not sure I will be

The loneliness is the worst disease

Leaving me hurting

Tears on the floor

Robbing me of reason to try a little more

Yet I still carve out more of my dwindling core

 

I want you to be happy

No matter the expense

So, I’ll keep feeling unhappy

And hope that you notice

Please notice

Just notice

I’m not meant to be your afterthought