after looking at what was in front of me last night i decided to message my friends, shits clearly wrong.
anyway that was just added to go into this next part, which i honestly doubt ill get any legit help with 1) lack of people to reply and 2) my bpd so no offense but if you understand the disorder, youll understand why i say help is probably useless so its more of just a vent i guess.
hes special to me. and i dont feel connected to him at all. consider it a LDR. i dont want to be more involved with his life. from what i see he seems like a normal human, which i find highly upsetting (please dont try to be all like “just accept it”, it doesnt work that way). i dont want to be apart of anything. if i asked im sure hed let me join his server or whatever, but i dont want to. what i see is tainted enough. i dont want to see more and just thinking about it makes me want to cry. but i feel disconnected from him. hes just out of reach and i cant reach him…
why do i bother? bpd always causes problems like this where im being torn in 2 with no happy medium. i wish id just give the fuck up already