I can’t be human…

I don’t care about companionship anymore. Many people would ask; “what’s life worth living without a companion?”. I made up in my mind a long time ago that I’m no longer living for me. I don’t care if I have to be alone all my life. I mean alone as in absolutely no connections whatsoever. From that sentence alone one should know I’m DEFINITELY not in the mood to get close to anyone romantically. I refuse to even become friends. It hurts too much now. I have been committed to being alone for years now. Whenever I sense someone trying to pry me open I leave them even if it means quitting my job. I don’t care about having a friend or having a girlfriend anymore. That desire ended way before I turned 21. I find the only things that bring me peace now are the piano and the electric guitar. Those 2 instruments are my outlet. With that being said I think I feel most at peace when I know I can help people but from a distance. I don’t wanna be friends and I definitely don’t wanna get any closer than that with anyone but I want to be of service to people. I recently came to the realization that a job like firefighting or becoming a marine might be the only options left for me. I HATE trying to look like a HAPPY confident human. It’s a lot easier for me to just take orders. I’m the best version of myself when I don’t have to pretend to be normal. I can’t smile and I can’t fake smile. I’d rather frown than fake smile. I’ve noticed strangers and family members can see it on my face. I’m defeated as a human. Nihilism has overtook my personality. Sometimes people are just too broken to be fixed and that’s how I feel. I’ve accepted this as my reality and nobody can change that….NOBODY. I will just be a soldier and that’s all that makes sense to me. I don’t wanna be human anymore. I’d rather be a machine.