Ive been getting “randomly” sick for a bit now. Ill have a headache, an upset stomach, and just generally feel like im dying (in terms of how sick i am. Literally curled up on the floor.)
Last night we were watching a hells kitchen episode. One of the contestants laid his head on the counter and i was like “lol he looks like me”. He comes back “the doctor said i havent eaten enough”. I internally drop, “oh shit”. The ‘funny’/worse part, i got my typical sickness shortly after. I ended up throwing up 5-7 times. My husband even noting “theres nothing for you to even throw up”.
Being sick like this sucks but i dont want to gain weight. When i was done throwing up, i was so concerned about my weight that i measured my waist. I like my smaller stomach. Eating anything at all feels like gluttony. But i know im not eating enough (partially on purpose, partially health problems where im just not interested). Suffer with being sick i guess?? Ive been feeling like starting to purge anyway. The question then becomes how long until i pass out and get rushed to ER.
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Is having a smaller stomach really worth “feeling like you’re dying”?
It only last an hour or 2 typically. After i throw up im mostly fine
A more in depth (less passive) answer.
Its not completely “optional”. Ill make a big meal for my husband (potatoes, meat, ect) and then ill have a stupid little frozen pizza.
I have a small stomach. So yes, eating feels like gluttony because i will almost ALWAYS be eating. Im what i consider a snacking person. My stomach wont want a whole meal (although they do taste good and sometimes i have a small plate) so i snack. Eating every 30mins or so.
Im pretty sure i have TGA (memory issues, which i do know i have some type of memory problem) i honestly forget to eat sometimes.
Ive been dealing with eating problems since i was about 13 and im 22 now. Not optional eating problems, my parents were abusive and apparently i “stole” food out of the kitchen. And what i “stole” i didnt even touch so she lied about it. Id also commonly hear “dont touch that its your brothers” and weed/booze was apparently more important because we always had that but 1 week out of 2, we didnt really have anything so id forfeit food so my brothers could eat. 13-16 and when i moved out the problem followed.
Plus my method of suicide back then was starvation due to lack of other options.
I could probably name off more reasons as to why i dont/cant eat, but i think youve got the idea. My relationship with food is horrible. I dont have any comfort food (i didnt even understand what that was or how it worked until recently)
I mean an hour or two of feeling like you’re dying sounds pretty bad. Plus personally I hate throwing up – it’s a sensation I dread.
What’s so terrible about gaining a bit of weight? I don’t see why it’s a problem if you eat/snack often? I think eating small amounts often suits a lot of people. Memory loss sounds difficult. Maybe you could set an alarm/reminder to help you remember to eat? Or get your husband to remind you?
The parenting you describe does sound like a plausible origin for at least some of your food issues.
Anyways, that sounds tough. Eating is pretty fundamental to survival – if there’s anything you can do to fix it, it seems like that might be a priority. For me it’s probably sleep that’s the most fucked, but I guess I can also think of lots of reasons why I can’t or don’t get enough. It is what it is I suppose.
“Plus personally I hate throwing up – it’s a sensation I dread.”
Especially when it comes out your nose. I hate that the most.
“What’s so terrible about gaining a bit of weight?”
I HATE my muffintop. Because of this i would be considered anorexic, which answers why snacking, eating all the time, isn’t something i want to do. Eating keeps the muffintop there plus general bloating when you eat. I hate it and it makes me hate myself. I feel better without it.
That’s pretty grim. Don’t think I’ve ever had it come out my nose. Mostly I just find it painful & scary, so I avoid it as much as I can.
I’m guessing you’ve had at least some treatment for your anorexia/body image issues, since you sound somewhat self-aware about it? I suppose if you eat small amounts of low sugar/healthy foods and offset that with enough exercise then you could still snack regularly and be slim. But that would probably need a lot of planning. Bloating does suck, though I think it’s affected by what you eat.
Choosing between hating yourself and regularly feeling like you’re dying sounds like a hard spot to be in.
Also, it seems kind of worrying that you’d be throwing up just from not eating? I think lots of people do regular fasts and although it might make them feel weak and give them hunger pains, I’m not sure vomiting is normal. Do you have any other stomach issues that might impact that?
no i havent, im just self aware. i have a general idea whats wrong with me and i can typically tell you how i can fix it.
it makes sense. i go hours to a day – day 1/2 not eating simply by putting it off/forgetting . like right now i havent eaten in about 24hr (im currently having something rn though) maybe longer?? i honestly cant recall the last thing i ate or how long ago it was. and the supper i tried to eat last night probably doesnt count.
heres another account of someone not eating enough. i havent read the whole thing, i honestly stopped at the throwing up part. unlike the other symptoms i didnt look into the throwing up part, i just assumed it was a one time thing with him whereas ive been dealing with it for years.
https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/feeling-effects-starvation
as far as any other issues, not that i know of
I read through that thread – all the advice offered seemed good. I avoid doctor’s visits like the plague, but if you’re throwing up that often then something is likely messed up. Might be purely down to starving yourself, but probably better to know. I don’t think the body is designed to function that way, and there may be long term damage being done.
Maybe you think it’s worth it to hate yourself less? I don’t know anything about treating eating or body image disorders, but isn’t the point of treatment that you hate yourself less for your physical imperfections?
well, yeah. that would be part of it most likely. and if not i am suppose to be in therapy for my BPD, so liking myself would be helped anyway.
your post got me thinking and youre right. but it also got me thinking about everything else i need help with. it seems to all be intertwined and thinking about it is like ‘brain explosion’.
-anorexia
-cutting
-weed
-drinking
-BPD
-anxiety
-memory issues
-dissociation
-symptoms of things like how bpd also comes with hallucinations, chronic boredom, ect
it kind of makes me recoil at the thought of “recovering” and i have to ask myself, im suicidal anyway, living like this sucks and is unfair, why bother?
the past month or so i havent been suicidal. not in the bpd “just f*cking kill me now” way. ive actually been “fine”. but im still thinking “i know its best. i know i have to”
i find it kind of funny that im ‘not suicidal’ but i also think im lower then ive ever been.
I get that – it seems like too much to ever be able to deal with. I find myself feeling the same way – if it was just the one issue, then I might be able to get past it. But all combined, it just seems like there’s not even a chance.
Maybe you never totally “recover” to where you’d like to be, but perhaps you can still get to a place where it’s less shitty?
Suppose “why bother” depends on you and what you want out of life? For me, all I’ve really got right now is: 1. I’m terrified of death, & 2. I don’t want to ruin my families’ lives. So if I’m going to be stuck here for the time being, I may as well try to make things marginally less shitty for myself.
But you’re still young, so maybe you have something actually positive that might be worth the struggle? What do you want from life, and could you find enough help to get you there?
there are. ive got dreams and whatnot but at the same time im currently lost and being pulled in 3 directions.
1) move out and in with my grandfather to start an independent life with my cats.
2) give my husband another chance, he has been improving but his behavior before came off as abusive even though “he didnt mean it”. honestly at this point im just tired of hearing it and need to recover from it all to find myself. plus i know what its like to have your speech/thoughts restricted. while his thoughts are “wrong”, i dont want to do that to him. (i showed him my post on ‘judgmental pricks’ he asked “am i a judgmental prick” meanwhile he did and continues to, make judgments on people. and while not directed at me still hurts.)
3) i have my ex. i could move in and get back together with him. he even likes my muffintop. but that comes with problems and complications on its own. i dont like him… i mean i love him but, hes like every other human and i find that upsetting. it makes me feel better to just leave him be and let him live his own life even though i know thats not what he would prefer.
i have things i want. i have options, i have help. the only thing really holding me back is me
Tricky. Sounds like you have to choose, and whatever you choose you lose something. But that’s generally better than failing to choose.
If you can, weigh up which of the guys seems more likely to help you in feeling that life is worth living. Then whether being with either is actually helpful for you right now, or whether you’d be better with your grandfather and cats and a fresh start. All you can do is make you best guess for all that – you can’t know how any of it is going to work out. But any decision is generally going to be better than no decision.
Unfortunately then you have to actually take action…that’s where I struggle with life decisions.
i have bpd i cant even choose XD