I failed. I failed. Everything I wanted to achieve today. As a child I would tell myself it was my circumstances. I was unhappy and it was the place that I was forced to remain in. Change is good. Kickstarts something new. A new beginning, a new me. But I’m always alone in the fresh chapter. And I don’t think I can fix this by myself. There’s no one to please. Nobody to perceive me. Nothing stopping me. Nobody who knows me. Everywhere there are temptations. That’s the window I sit at. The smell of weed at midnight. The incessant giggling of three stupid teenagers. The loud couple next door. The click of a lighter. The knot in my belly. The stranger in the mirror. The simple habit. My hands shaking from the amount of nicotine coursing through my veins. It can’t substitute. I want to escape and I want it with the same frequency life hurls transgressions through me.
It’s weird. I want to be home all of a sudden. I feel violent. I thought it was the 30 hour mark. But I just figured it out. Problems were simple as a kid. You did something wrong and an adult punished you. You were discouraged. You never did it again. I want someone to beat the living shit out of me and I’ll never touch it again. Problem solved. Keeping it together is tough. Makes me appreciate my parents’ efforts.
I’m going to try harder tomorrow. For now, it’s day 0 again. Here goes nothing.