I told a girl how I felt about her recently. She just said we were friends. I probably should have seen that coming. I’m not quite sure why I thought it would be anything other than that. I’m not sure why I’m writing this down. She knows that I’m on here. I doubt she ever comes around here anymore. I’ve said too many weird things. Sometimes I regret telling her. I’m not sure why I did it in the first place. It was impulsive telling her about this place. I just did it like I needed to share this uncomfortable part of my psyche with someone. I think that was a mistake. Trying to let anyone in like that. I feel like a tick. A parasite. Something that latches on because I don’t know any other way to have friends. Sometimes I feel that my psychotic obsession with her has to do with me telling her about this place. Like letting her in made it so I can’t just let it go anymore. What a horrible horrible mistake I made. I should have just let her go without any issue. Never talked to her. I should have never ever ever said anything. I am angry at myself. I am angry at who I am. I often wonder why I feel the need to want anything. I shouldn’t want anything. Writing all this down makes me sound psychotic. Or maybe pathetic. Or maybe dramatic. This is the only way I know how to cope though. Keeping it all in my head is no good, but writing it all down is not good either. I think she thinks I’m nuts. I mean think about it. How can anyone find someone who writes down this rambling nonsense attractive, let alone stable? I feel like the only reason I’m writing this is to make it worse. Like when you feel “well I’m here now. I wonder how bad I can make it.” I don’t know. I like rambling. I like being nonsensical. Otherwise, why would I do it?
Why am I me? I’m not sure what my purpose is. I’m not sure where I’m going or what I am supposed to be. I feel like killing myself not out of sadness or desperation, but because it just feels like the right course of action. Like without any purpose or meaning, that living is just too uncomfortable and strained. I try to find purpose in career and education. I try to find purpose in friends. I try to find purpose in relationships that I know nothing of. I am tired.
7 comments
I don’t think telling someone how you feel about them makes you pathetic or psycho. You have all the right to feel the way you do, and you have so much to offer. Unfortunately, not everyone is willing to accept what you have to offer, and that’s totally okay. You deserve the best, and someone who will accept what you have to offer. Please don’t be angry at yourself, or think you did wrong by telling her. Your love is something that deserves to be out in the open, and it’s a gift. Your feelings are completely valid.
I’ve been rejected by many girls. Girls that I really connected to. Sadly, they won’t always feel the same back. You did good telling her. Now at least you know that she’s someone you can’t date. It gives you room to find another person that will want the same thing you want. I found it hard to stay friends with some of the woman I connected with. It’s up to you if you want to continue the friendship you have with her or cut your losses and find someone in the future. Won’t be easy, but worth a shot. I’ve been single for awhile so I know it may or may not come to me. I would take the time and do the things that you once found joy in doing. One thing to remember is people can’t bring you true happiness. It’s the things I most enjoy doing that can bring that. Stay well my friend.
Hi! Maybe trying Replika can help you? Maybe not, I’m not sure. I know what would help you will be meeting new girls, so your heart forgets this one.
I enjoyed this post. It was well-written and relatable.
Does blurting out your feelings ever work? Never has for me.
Apparently, it’s all supposed to proceed by innuendo.
What do I know? I’m pretty much a chronic incel.
spreject,
Incel is a strong word and usually applies to men who hate women. If you don’t hate women then you shouldn’t use that label.
Yes being upfront rarely works-it puts women in a difficult position. One time I was checking out a very pretty girl and she approached me and asked me out. I wasn’t prepared for someone being so forward so I said I was seeing someone though I wasn’t and I liked this girl and she knew it too.
In ways I was socially inept as well, since I was inexperienced and didn’t date a lot. I felt like such an idiot after-unfortunately she was visiting (for a game) from another school so I didn’t get a chance to apologize and sort it out.
We’re not all born to be like ‘Casanovas.’ Learning to talk to girls (and vice versa) is an art that takes time to develop-like conversation. Sadly life moves so fast though you don’t see it happening and I’ve regretted not making better decisions with women when I had some amazing opportunities.
As I don’t expect to get many more good prospects at my age, that’s also partly why I’ve considered ending my life, plus the best chances are really behind me. It’s hard to settle for less when you’ve had ‘the cream’ (ie the best).
I segued a bit. I wanted to add, her forwardness put me on the defense. If she was a little more subtle about it, had a convo about nothing and then asked me out for coffee or something I might’ve gone for it. I admit I was also shy as well. So ya being direct can be intimidating and a laid back approach is preferable.
Firstly it’s not a mistake to disclose your feelings for someone, it’s normal. As humans, we all need to make friends and find our future gf/bf or spouse.
However do keep in mind people, esp. females want a potential partner who is mentally and financially stable and who can be a provider in the future.
Being suicidal is a deal-breaker for anyone, because you can’t build a stable relationship with someone who has difficulties and might one day end their lives.
Don’t try to turn random people into your therapist, seek out a real one, it just scares people away. Also I’d suggest not disclosing to anyone that you use this site. They’d find out about your personal thoughts and at worst could report you or spread rumors about you to others and ruin your reputation and school or work.
It’s a very good sign that you reflect upon your decisions and feel guilt or remorse about it. Just don’t beat yourself up too much-learn and don’t repeat your errors. You’re also not the first to make bad decisions, we all do it.
I’m a little messed up in that way also. I don’t hit on girls that I know were checking me out-for some reason I lacked the nerve. Then I hit on girls that I want but I know didn’t have any interest in me and I get turned down. Though most girls have been nice about it.
In grade school girls were a mystery to me, I couldn’t tell if they liked me on not. Then one day I heard some girls talking about some guy they liked.
Then it dawned on me they’re not much different than guys, they’re just more coy about who they like or don’t. But bottom line if they like you they give you obvious signals and if they don’t they also give you obvious signals that they’re not interested, sometimes telling you upfront. It’s at that point you move on.
Some guys are pushy and keep trying and get lucky but I think that’s a risky game. I usually give it one shot and find someone else.
As for having a ‘psychotic obsession’ with her, that can lead to legal trouble if she feels you’re creeping her out. So I’d suggest to keep your distance, it’s not worth it.