I dreamt of her again just now. It’s not about her though – it’s what she represents in my subconscious. In my mind she’s the only person who ever liked me enough to make it clear, again & again. No matter how low my self-esteem, I couldn’t ignore it. So when she shows up in a dream, I briefly remember what it felt like to be worth something to someone, to be accepted. For someone to see me and not see someone worthy of pity or scorn, but someone likable. All the fear and anxiety and loneliness recedes, and I want to live again. I miss feeling that so much.
Then I wake up and remember who I am now, the things I’ve done. The feeling drains away. And I’m left completely alone again, without hope, hating myself and my life. And I want out of this world – I want to cease existing. And somehow I have to find a way to function in this state instead.