Path of self destruction

I have done some really shitty things in my life. Mostly all under the influence of alcohol. I know that if I just never drink then I will not have these issues, but I have also had fun times too. I have sought help in the past, but it has never done anything. This last time, my therapist recommendation was for me to listen to TedTalks. It seems I am in the spiral. I will get better, then I will go out and embaress the F out of myself because I was so wasted. I am a habitual binge drinker. I drink once a month max, but I always manage to mess up my life. Now my mind is on constant replay of all the shit I have done. I know that those people probably are not thinking of me or the crap I did, but I am ashamed so I just always feel awful. Then I will “get better” and go back to my usual. Have a few good months then over do it. All I do is replay these events over and over. I do apologize and ask for forgiveness when necessary, but it hurts more when people are nice to me. I have a lot to be grateful for and I know that. I just can not turn off the repeating record of all my mess ups. Mostly because it is not how the real me would act. I over indulged over the holiday and got sick on my relatives couch. Then I proceeded to go into a rant about how I did not like one of them. They were all cool, but I still feel like crap because I could have done better.  It is shame, disappointment, and just disgust. I know I can do better, but I cannot seem to break the chains of thr past. How do I? I feel selfish.