I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I have been a person I don’t like for a long time, and I can’t change it or fix it because I’m just too impulsive. I say what’s really on my mind without thinking.. I don’t think before I do. I was always taught to use the traffic light method.. And my personality with my disorders is just so impulsive I skip right over the Red, and yellow, and go straight for the green and just say it.
I have talked to my therapist and she says to just keep journaling.. But it honestly doesn’t help. Because on top of hating myself I just have family stress, and friend stress, and other stress on top of everything. And it just keeps piling and piling on each other and I’m starting to loose control. And I don’t know if it makes any sense.. I don’t want to kill myself, I just want to die. I don’t want to feel the pain, or the stress anymore. I just want to go to sleep forever and lay in peace to make all the hurt and pain disappear.
I feel like no matter what I do, or how hard I try in life… I’m still this piece of shit human being who shouldn’t have the luxury of breathing like everyone else in the world. I feel like all I’m doing is making everything worse for everyone else around me . Trying or not, I’m completely self destructive and I don’t know what to do about it anymore. My whole life is shattering to pieces around me. I’ve went from having great friends, to having almost none because I just destruct and lose everyone.
2 comments
I see you mentioned therapist. Depending on how you two mesh, and how skilled she is, you could get some relief. If the mesh is good, and she is skilled, you are likely to see considerable relief.
I related to this: “I don’t want to kill myself, I just want to die. I don’t want to feel the pain, or the stress anymore. I just want to go to sleep forever and lay in peace to make all the hurt and pain disappear.”
You wisely chose a therapist. They can’t prescribe. That is usually best, at least from what I hear.
Your stop light comments resonate. I got a grip on it at about age 36ish by working a phone job where my income depended on me being able to hold my tongue. Then I learned a little astrology and I have Mercury (communication) in Aries (impulsive AF). Then I learned more of my chart and it depressed me more, like wtf universe why me? Why do I have all these innate traits that don’t fit in this crappy fake Truman Show society left over from the 1950s? I’m not Gen Z so I don’t get the excuse of being young and wanting to change the world with my mouth. I’m of a generation raised by Boomers who would rather I go to sleep and never wake.
Ramblings…. my apologies.
I too don’t want to do the action of killing myself, but I keep waking up every morning and I want that to end. My only peace has been sleep the last 3 years and now that I moved I am having vivid nightmares every night so there is no longer peace anywhere.
Therapy is ok, but most of them are codependent over achievers who can’t handle real mental illness issues.