“it’s nothing”

I want to cut. I know I shouldnt. I know I probably should have talked to you earlier but I didn’t want to. I hate talking about this stuff. I hate that everything about me is a thing. I hate that its always going to be. I want to die. I want to give up. I hate it. I hate all of this. It feels pointless. But I push it aside hoping for something better with you. Just maybe a chance my life isn’t complete hell. I know part of that means getting new, healthier coping mechanisms. I’m hopeful spending time with you will be a distraction on its own. I know I’m leaning more towards my current ones lately. It’s difficult and all I have. I’m not even sure I want new coping mechanisms. The high, the pain, from my current ones just can’t be replicated. I know it’s wrong but idk. They’re my problems and the only one that has to deal with me is me. Everyone else can leave if they don’t like it.