It’s so tiring

I don’t understand why I’m upset that everyone doesn’t want to be around me when all I do is push them away when they are. I don’t know why I’m here because I shouldn’t be with my last attempt but I can’t attempt again after making it so far, yet it isn’t going to get better. That’s all just a fucking lie. Everything is going to get so much worse and I don’t think I can handle it but I don’t think I can go through attempting again because I’ve made it so long it would just all be a waist if I were to throw it all away now. But it all comes down to why? Why struggle so much when I’m just going to be a failure. I’m stressing myself out trying to do the best I can but I don’t even know what I’m trying to make of my life. I don’t know what I’m doing and why I’m trying to keep pushing through, hell I don’t even know why I’m writing this right now