I don’t even have the motivation to write anymore. It used to be that I love writing, and I am always depressed in my fucking head, so why not put those feelings into words. But everyday that I come home and think I should write something I just don’t feel like it. I’m so fucking unproductive and I waste my days. It’s a shame I no longer feel like killing myself because these days I absolutely have that option. Some days when i’m bored i’ll point my gun at my head, look myself in the mirror and just think “imagine.”
I want to get help but I don’t know how to fucking ask for it. Nor do I know how to break it to my family, they all think I am fine. It’s funny how it works: this whole depression shit is affecting my performance at work and my performance at work is stressing me out. The constant stress just puts me the fuck down and then, again, affects my work. They asked me at work if there is anything outside of work that might be affecting my performance. What do I even say to that? Its not necessarily “outside or work” if I bring with me to work, right? Its in my fucking head! Do companies or managers even care about that? Like if I told my manager “Sorry about my performance, I’m just mentally ill and I don’t do anything about it,” would they even give a fuck?
I wish I knew what made me this way. I used to think moving away from my hometown did this to me, unrequited love did this to me, giving up on my passions did this to me. But honestly I don’t know anymore. I’ve been this way for so long, i’ve dealt with this alone for so long, i’ve made up excuses for so long that I don’t even know if I will ever get better. I’ll never get better.
1 comment
Hey,
I think you’ll feel heaps better if you talk to someone professional about what you’re going through. I suffered for months with quite severe depression before seeking help. I can’t pretend I was miraculously cured but it was an enormous relief to feel validated and be told that how I was feeling wasn’t my fault. I think that was the hardest step in my whole mental health “journey” or whatever it is. I was stuck in a self-hating despair loop before that.
Don’t put it off. See your family doctor or a counselor. My friend was too embarrassed to tell the doc face to face – he sent an email before the appointment explaining what he was going through and that he couldn’t say it out loud. The doctor was super nice and took the lead.
My study and work performance have been affected by depression too. I was asked about it by supervisors/co workers – I was ashamed and humiliated, but they were just concerned and wanted to check that I was OK. If someone is underperforming a lot of employers would prefer to hear that its because of a health problem that is now being addressed. You don’t have to tell them exactly what the problem is of course.
Good luck xx