Last semester. Need to finish my capstone project. Won’t graduate without it. Scared out of my mind. Don’t think it will amount to much. Need to contact my supervisor from my last internship. Need a signed letter to verify that I did it or I won’t graduate. Really it is my fault. I’ve gone back on trying not to contact her. I stopped no contact a while ago. Thing is she won’t respond. Maybe she saw my last post and got mad. Maybe it made her sad. Maybe she hates me. Maybe it has nothing to do with me at all and she has her own shit going on. Might not hear from her for a few more weeks or a few months or ever again. Maybe she’s doing me a favor so I can move on. I don’t know. I did have a dream about her last night. And the night before. She was in a room surrounded by a couple people. I was outside and every time I tried to come in and get her attention, she wouldn’t hear me. I would look through the window and see her facing away from me. I think. The details are kinda fuzzy. I remember one of the last conversations we had she said we would always be friends. Maybe it’s just something you say. Maybe she was just being nice in the moment. I don’t want to be limerent. I want a happy medium where we are just friends. Why does it have to be complete isolation or delusional obsession? Why can’t it just be in the middle and normal.
If you are reading this and are listening, I’m sorry for everything I put you through. I’m not really good at being not a nuisance. I wish we could talk again. I get that what you are going through right now might have nothing to do with me and things are just hard right now. I’m sorry. I don’t know how to make you feel safe or feel better. I guess it’s not really my place to do any of those things. I guess I want to be more to you, but I just have to accept that I’m not. Regardless of anything, I do wish you happiness and a nice life. The happy times that we did spend together talking and just texting was nice and it did make me happy. It is hard when I don’t hear from you and it makes me spiral, but it is something that I need to learn how to get over on my own. Wherever you are and whatever you are doing, I hope things get better.