how come whenever i’m just existing, i have this dreadful feeling? this sinking feeling in my gut and throat that my friends don’t love me, my parents dislike me, and the world is better off with me dead? i could be happy one moment, then shoot myself down in my own head by reminding me on how miserable i make the people around me.
im scared of death, but i want to die. im scared of the afterlife, or the lack of one. am i a good enough person to go to heaven? one day ill die, whether it be by my hand, someone else’s hand, or just old age, and im scared. im always scared.
i just dont want to be reminded of my death, i just want to be normal and live happily. its always so hard to try and keep that reminder that im loved in my brain. its like a bad sticky note. it always falls off. and when it does, i spiral down, i cut, i cry, i beg for any sign of love
am i that pathetic?
3 comments
it’s happening again. another wave of dread kicked in. i just want to be loved, i just want to be okay
could it be, that you are looking for a gift from others that you need to be ready to receive? That feeling of deserving it, it’s an internal perception of lack of value, self hatred. You are worthy of love, and the perception otherwise is the source of your pain.
i guess, but i feel like i dont really deserve anything. the craving for any sort of reminder of love is rather attention seeking, at least in my eyes.. its selfish