I’m just too young man! I should be enjoying life like others but I can’t. I’ve become so overly philosophical it has kinda ruined me, I don’t see the point in any action I do, partially because of this. Another thing are my stupid illnesses not letting me live properly tbh. SPD and OCD ruined my childhood now misophonia is ruining my “golden days”. It really is a struggle when you can’t talk to anyone because you get mad when they fucking breathe. It’s so tiring. It’s so so awful. I have nobody because of the way I act, I’m so unfriendly to everybody, I always come off as rude and when I actually show emotions people think down on me for crying or think I’m guilt tripping them or something, I’m sick of it. I’m a person just like them. Even though I won’t see them again once I get out of here, the pain is going to repeat if I do the same thing for the next stage of my life. If I don’t befriend someone the first day at a new place I will suffer for the entire time being there. But you know what? I have 0 social skills, I talk so much online that my english is better than my first language cause I have nobody to talk to. I literally go nonverbal when trying to ask somebody anything or when well, trying to befriend someone. I had a chance. A girl literally hugged me after first meeting me, yeah it was weird but damn was it a good change to talk and instead I stood there silent. Man I’m so stupid for that, I mean in the end it’s not really avoidable when you go nonverbal – you literally can’t squeak a word out of yourself no matter how hard you try to. This has ruined so many of my potential moments. Also on another note I hate that I think everyone is against me too. Every look I take as judgemental, I fear everyday that my small talk friends created a “me” hate group chat, I’m scared people take pictures of me and send them somewhere etc. I’m so scared they’re doing something against me without me knowing. I hate this feeling of uncertanity… I can’t find it out either. Damn it’s so stupid, nobody would go to these lengths just to bully the weird kid right? I wish I wasn’t the weird one. I’m just misunderstood and well, you can’t realy understand anything about me in person either. When I’m asked about literally anything about me in a bad way I immediately burst into tears, I can’t even stop it, trust me I try. I can’t let out a word tho I want to say so much. I have bottled up so many things to talk about cause I have nobody to talk to about it. I talk to myself, scripting many many conversations of how I’d explain my situation to the therapist or something but they would never work in real life, I’d just cry and cry. Also similarly to that, I have so many things to talk about yet no listener. And if I am in a conversation somehow I never know when to bring it up, I’m scared I will cut someone off despite them cutting each other off every time. I wish I could just act normal, everything would be fixed I feel. I’d have friends like normal people, I’d have fun like normal people, I’d be a teenager like them, not an old hermit deprived of human contact. It feels so cruel, I didn’t do anything bad, do I deserve this then? I want to be a normal teenager like them. I want to treat life like it actually matters and not like it’s something that will pass therefore making all actions useless. Could I just stop worrying about useless shit and move on? Like for real, I don’t even remember when my philosophical bs has started but it was so long ago and I’m still a kid! Why would children turn to existential ramblings and theories all of a sudden? I’m too young to be doing this, I should be drinking and partying (whatever that means) not pondering about life all the time. Also yeah, as always I went off course on this, sorry about that, can never keep the subject in one line (probably has to do with the fact that I have so much to talk about :P)
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there’s a lot going on here. I sympathize with the “too young” notion, and wish that I knew enough less about mental health and young people to support such a claim. My therapist would call that a hidden “should”; IE, I think that a young person should be immune to such slights…. hence that is a judgement that is being challenged, and sometimes I dig in my heels just because I don’t like someone else.
The self loathing is severe here. If poking it bothers you, don’t read the next bit;
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consider the value you’d have in the situation where everyone hates you. Being someone experiencing hate, you know it takes a lot of energy. Now, consider the energy it would take to hate you personally. These people are presumably functional; so consider the amount of interactions, the amount of people they meet. It is impossible to hate all people with a fervor that amounts to anything significant.
I get that it’s challenging a gut feeling. The point is this; I’m a person, nominally, and I frankly don’t have the energy to hate anyone. So that kicks the whole “everyone hates me” notion in the teeth. Maybe that helps, God if I know a damn thing.
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It sounds like a lonely place, and that’s the only reason I respond. Feeling understood can lessen such pain. I’d also challenge the whole “best years of your life” notion. My childhood sucked, many years of my adult life have as well. I know people for whom these sucked more.
To my mind the best years of life are the later ones, if things were to work out. Around 55-60, if you aren’t having a massively successful career in something, you can just drop out and be a caregiver. Adopt some kids, or maybe you have grandkids by that point. The point is there is a constant caregiver shortage, and having a little thing to look after provides way more purpose than a career.
You make the rules, about what life you want, and about what goals you go after. Those are based on your capabilities, not anyone else’s. Maybe you can do better, so the trick is getting your brain to cooperate. Then again, maybe this is as good as it gets, in which case the thing to do is to get through it.
When I was younger, I thought about being trapped quite a bit, so I started studying people stuck in prison. These are people who have the least freedom. They are told when and what to eat, what to do, and they have a limited amount of places they can visit. They have a very limited social circle. The thing that shocked me was that people in such situations sometimes just thrive.
The point is; no situation is beyond adapting to. Maybe it sucks, probably. If you accept that as a given, you can achieve what little is available.
I mean yeah you’re right, I do realise that nobody actually has the energy to hate me for no reason, still though, it’s like an unbearable itch kind of thing. The worst thing about my situation is I’m unfortunately aware of your last words, even though I don’t follow. I always try to go beyond what I have and it fails, I can’t accept reality as it is, that’s my main problem. I create a new one in my head and try to meet the expectations of it in real life. It’s so weird, I really try to adapt to all this but perhaps seeing those around me already thriving in their enviornment fills me with envy, I want to be like them and for the same reason I can’t adapt to my own. Heh, what a stupid feeling, I want to get out of this but at the same time I feel like something is pulling me back to being my current sad self, the only escapes are either to surrender and accept it like you said or just stop existing. Plan B would be to continue suffering but that’s just impossible for someone so weak. I’m gonna break someday if I keep on doing this, I *should* accept it but like I said, something is pulling me back. Maybe it’s the jealousy? If so, why am I even jealous? It’s like my mind knows there’s no point in being so envious but perhaps it’s my subconcious doing it or something. No idea anymore, my thoughts are literally contradicting each other every time and yeah, it would be great if they could cooperate and actually make sense out of something …
I think you know/have more input than you think. Yes, you’re at crossed purposes, that hurts. To be honest, I think you’re still finding yourself. If you can get out of your own way, who knows?
It bugs me because it’s a problem I have; getting out of my own way. It’s so hard, to quiet the loud bits and listen…. I don’t know the secret, but someone does, my thought is to keep looking.
You…. are more than you appear to be, as are many of us, but in your own interesting way. I used to think it a gift, now more of a curse; I don’t see things as they are, rather as they might be in an ideal situation. Meanwhile, I feel as lost as possible.
I guess I’d rather be lost in search of glory than nosing the grindstone in the service of lesser goals.
I see so much of myself in this post. The scripting conversations, thinking theres probably another group chat with everyone else but me, seeing everyone against you, simultaneously hating everyone but wanting to monolog to someone who will listen because you can talk for hours and ESPECIALLY the existential awareness.
The last trait has been referred to as christ consciousness, nirvana, but I simply call it being awake. Most people don’t think in terms of lifetimes, thus when you are unimpressed, unexcited, straight up uncaring they dont understand. Sure its a nice car, or yeah money is cool I guess, yes your new s1utty girlfriend is really hot and has a big ass. 100 years from now we will all be dust and dirt and it will all be gone. You and I are rare people that are fully aware of this every second of the day.
Criticism doesn’t drive me to tears but I dont respect most peoples opinions so their critique comes more of an annoyance, a respected critique on the other hand, can feel pretty heavy.
I would say the irony of philosophy is that the world doesn’t operate on reason, logic, or facts. So people can get by without pondering a thing in their life. Meanwhile people like us brood and despair in the knowledge of self. And we wish we were like them.
Just had to comment, I can very much relate to what you are saying. If you happen to know your MBTI I would very much like to know.
Oh, my god. Ocd is stressful. I’m so sorry you have to deal with that especially