In a wilderness survival course I once took, they said you’re NOT supposed to restrict drinking water. The rule is, without going overboard, drink from your supply when you get thirsty. I never really understood that. I mean, shouldn’t you save your water for when you really need it, like at the point of death?
But I understand it now.
A couple years ago, before my depression got to the point of active suicide plans, I asked for help from the people close to me. I asked for very specific things that would help me stabilize my life so I could get back on track. They literally ignored me, as if the conversations never happened. Instead they started spouting all the bullshit we’ve all heard & read on every worthless billboard from coast to coast. But nobody gave me a drink of water.
Now it’s way too late. I’m years past the point of ‘suicidal ideation’ and I’m deep into planning, preparing and craving my suicide. And guess what, these same people who ignored my requests for help years ago are suddenly sensing that I mean fucking business. Death is all I want now. And they’re suddenly trying to appease me with promises of help.
Ironically, that survival training suddenly comes back to me. Of course: in any life or death situation you mustn’t deprive yourself of necessities, thinking you’ll need it more later when you’re desperate. No, right at the outset you need to strengthen yourself with everything you’ve got. That’s your only hope. Because when you get to the actual point of death, all the fucking water in the world won’t mean shit.
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My granddad used to call it “paying the KBO tax”, KBO standing for Keep buggering on.
There’s a story about WW2, and some prisoners of war. One group made the best of it, ate as well as possible, bathed regularly, shaved and so on. They did alright, and their captors treated them with respect. They even got chocolate, quite a luxury in those days.
Then there was the group that gave up. Didn’t eat, hardly slept, didn’t bath or do any basic grooming. Sad part is that most of them didn’t survive. They gave up living long before they actually died. That’s what your water story reminds me of, that our little habits and manner of self care is all holding us together.
I don’t think it is too late though, not to grab onto life. To please others? Yes, almost certainly, some people are well beyond understanding or approving. There are people who get it, and those are the ones worth knowing.
Speaking of water, in my workspace I have a shelf full of bottles that I periodically refill with drinking water. I drink a lot of water, probably 2-4 gallons a day… not that it seems to make me any more alive.
KBO Tax, I like that. Pretty accurate. My post has a slant that I’m blaming others for not helping when they could, but I suppose I should’ve demanded assistance back when I still believed in myself. Instead, to use your analogy, I didn’t like the prison food so I quit eating and now I’m down for the count.
I don’t suppose there’s an official point of no return, but after enduring years of any torture there’s a point where we are far less inclined to try, and from there we keep getting weaker. Sure a miracle could still save me, but I won’t hold my breath.
I know all the writing on depression says seek help, but the plain fact is you are on your own. Nobody owes it to you to help you. You can only be lucky if the people around you are willing. Expectations usually lead to disappointment. If you really do want to improve, you have to do every bit of the heavy lifting by yourself. If you choose not to do the work, that’s your right. But I’d urge you to consider that depression is a mental illness, not a personality characteristic. You can get better. I am proof of that. It just takes an insane amount of initiative.
The problem in my case is that it’s not depression in terms of an illness that can be treated. My suicide is entirely due to tangible circumstances in my life which I fought hard to avoid, begged family & friends for help averting, but there’s only so much 1 person can do against an overwhelming for. As far as heavy lifting goes, I lifted 10 times my weight but it wasn’t enough. And nobody helped until my body was broken.
Have you considered trying to find better people to surround yourself with? I know it’s hard, but it sounds like you could use someone who understands how you feel and will be able to comfort you in times of need – not ignore your attempts to voice your situation. From my experience, you’re better off alone with a good counselor than with people too self absorbed to see your pain. I went through this with my ex. He wanted me to kill myself, and he almost got his wish. I had plans for 2/2/22, but didn’t need to follow through because I left 8 months before and no longer have someone making me feel worthless. Granted, I’m dealing with a whole new set of issues from childhood since my ex used every nasty childhood trauma for his war chest. I am mainly alone, but have tele- counseling which has helped (I have agoraphobia after being in my house for over 10 years and only leaving sporadically). It is hard, but I now see how deeply being around negative people seeps into your cells. I still have very dark days and still wonder if it’s worth it, but I am trying. The earlier post mentioned WWII – the reference is from a survivor of a Nazi concentration camp, Viktor Frankl. The title is “Man’s Search for Meaning”. It’s an amazing read.
Better people to surround myself with, that might’ve done the trick. But it’s definitely too late for me to make new lifelong trusting relationships. Especially after being burned so badly by “friends” and “family” – I really don’t think I’ll be trusting anyone in this lifetime. As the saying goes, fool me once, shame on you … fool me twice, nice try but I’ll fucking kill myself before anyone gets the chance.