I guess since it’s 2022, and I am back, it’s safe to say that perhaps suicidal ideation is never going to leave me. Not completely.
I wonder if anyone is here that used to be here. I hope everyone that used to be here when I was is still here on this earth and doing better.
I remembered this site. As I laid in bed crying tonight. I went back to read my old posts and can relate to so many of them.
I’m glad that I can be here, though. I am glad this site exists.
4 comments
Suicidal ideation is something I’ve dealt with since I was just a boy of 7 or 8. I’ll be 63 in July and just 3 weeks ago I survived yet another near death experience. The feeling comes and goes. I never quite know when to expect it because I’ve never really been able to identify what exactly triggers it. It used to be money or the lack of it, but since my life is far more financially stable those feelings still come and go. Maybe it’s diet..IDK, but I have learned that it never really lasts as long as I always think it does. It’s almost always a brief period of complete…blah! And then it’s over and I’m ok again.
I’ve had numerous suicide attempts and have come very close to success(?) but at this point I’ve completely given up on even trying. I realized one fine day that I was closer to dying of plain old old age than ever before so I’m not in any big hurry. It’ll happen regardless of what, you, me or anyone else ever does or doesn’t do.
I’ve lived through all kinds of sadness and sorrow, loneliness, despair, pain both real and imagined, heroin addiction, alcoholism, 47 years of heavy smoking. I’ve given up nearly all my vices.. The biggest vice I have now? I don’t wear underwear? It sucks to be a goody two shoes, but a lot safer with fewer reasons for going to prison.. The point being I suppose is we have to learn how to strike the balance between being ok and not being ok.. Ok isn’t that terrible. Not ok isn’t either. You just have to wait it out till ok returns…and it always does…
thanks for your comment. Yeah, it’s a waiting game, I suppose.
Like you said, suicidal ideation never goes away completely. I think it’s a process of learning how to smooth out the dips. Over time we (are supposed to) learn what works for us, what doesn’t work, and make changes to our lifestyle. That is, unless we choose to embrace misery which is what a lot of chronic sufferers do.
As much as I’m heading for a cliff, I’ve still got some fight left so I’m taking the strategy that Oldone said above: giving up my vices. There are certain things that we know will always make life worse. Alcohol, drugs, poor diet, etc. If we beat these self-destructive habits then suddenly the cliff isn’t so rocky. It’s still there and may claim us at any time, but I guess it gets easier to navigate. I’d like to think we can eventually get to the point where a bad day doesn’t always mean suicidal obsession. A passing thought sure. But spending all night wide awake googling how to kill yourself, I hope that’ll eventually go away.
I don’t exist. I am a figment of a strange blip of random neuron firing.