Day after day, minute after minute, I live in pure frustration and desperation. I want to know what’s wrong with this head of mine, but I can’t figure it out. No doctor or therapist will truly listen to me but that’s beside the point. I need to know why I am the way I am because not knowing is killing me quite literally and I don’t know what to do. I can’t trust anyone. I am sensitive, so people’s words and actions are very powerful. If someone tries to see my scars for fun or because “they have to” things don’t end well. I have to pretend I’m okay when people do that but when I’m alone, it breaks me more than they could ever imagine. I’m ugly. So many tell me I’m beautiful, that they envy my beauty, that they’d die to look like me, but they don’t know what hides under the sleeves or the baggy clothes. It Fucking hurts. I once took my sleeves off and my friend sat there awkwardly. It’s not her fault for her reaction. She loves me but it terrifies her.
Another friend sent me a picture she took of me and my first thought was “do I really look like that?” because it didn’t look like me. My face was starting to look emaciated but my body was chubby in my eyes. I knew I was wrong but I had to fix it to look how I wanted. I knew my collar bone was super prominent compared to most girls but it wasn’t enough for me. It’s still not and I HAVE to fix it. I can’t stop this dangerous path because it’s all I have left. I gave up cutting and now all I can do is starve. I want to stop but I really can’t. I also don’t want to stop because my Anorexia and Bulimia make me like the what it does to my body. I’m scared. All I can do is hide it because I don’t want people to try and fix me. Can anyone relate?