I spend my evenings desperately trying to find something to distract from the gnawing unease I feel deep inside. Life was supposed to be about more than this. It was supposed to somehow involve other people. But I find myself largely unable to connect to other people – being around others reminds me how much I don’t like myself. All my fears & insecurities put me constantly on edge. I’m terrified of anyone seeing who I really am – because who I am is repulsive. And when I’m on my own, I can mostly be ok with that. I can intellectualise it, and understand what led me to be this way. But when even a tiny bit of that is exposed to others, that’s when the shame & fear hits, and I feel even more disconnected and isolated than when I’m on my own. I hate & resent others for seeing how inferior and unworthy I am.
I’ve been alone for most of my life, and for a while that seemed ok, when I believed it was just a phase I was passing through. But it’s now clear that’s not the case – I am this way because of choices that I’ve made, and I can’t see it ever being different. Either I isolate myself and feel a deep longing to be around others, or I spend time with others, and realise how disconnected I am from them.
And I don’t know how to handle that. This feeling of unease, and disconnection, and longing. It’s maddening. And no matter what else I do in the rest of my life, I can’t see how anything’s going to change it. And I don’t know how to live with that realisation. So I drag in anything I can find that seems to artificially mimic the meaning that I lack. And it never satisfies, in fact it only intensifies the craving, while damaging my body and mind. But it means I don’t have to face that terrible realisation for a few hours.