So far when ever I ask for advice on what to choose, I always get the same answer. “You know yourself best, so it’s up to you”. I understand the sentiment, but I hate myself. I hate myself so much. I hate how pathetic and sad and worthless I am. I wasn’t able to get a hold of her. Lately, I feel like less and less I want to talk to her. Maybe that’s a good thing. It shouldn’t be up to her to make me feel better. I can feel myself losing it a little. I’m just no good I guess. I feel nothing. It’s the last month and I’m going out on such a sad pathetic note. I guess that’s typical. Sometimes I just want to stare at the ceiling and hope that when I close my eyes, I don’t open them. I just want to lie down and die. Lately I’m remembering tiny snippets of childhood. How happy and carefree I was. I don’t know. It’s no good is it. Simply no good. I’m a shell. A hollow nothing.
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I’ve been trying to alienate that part of me, the part that wants to give up, feels sad. Yes, it is an unfortunate feature of my flawed personality, but I’m working on it. Lately, I’ve been feeling more defiant, like maybe I don’t have to put up with some things. That’s the me I want to be, strong, difficult, tough. We’ll see, self hatred is a resilient little bastard. So far more resilient than I am.