I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that I’m too afraid to end it. Unless/until something drastic changes, like becoming homeless or serious illness, I’m going to be sticking around. I’ve spent years questioning whether it would be preferable to overcome that fear and go through with it. But I’ve found no consistent answer, and without that I just don’t have it in me.
So if I’m going to be stuck here, the next question that arises is how to make things as bearable as I can. That seems to be an even more complicated question. A significant part of me believes that I deserve to suffer, for the things I’ve done in my past, for the things I still do, for what I am. I wouldn’t say I was evil in an absolute sense, but I’ve certainly gone further down the path of evil than most would ever consider. And the key thing about evil is that it feels really, really fucking good. Like the best feeling you can imagine. Of course if you have a conscience then you eventually have to face the worst feelings you can imagine. It’s not worth it, but you may not realise that until you go so far over the line that you can’t see the point of even trying to find your way back.
So I deserve to suffer, to the extent that anyone deserves anything. I’m sure society in general would prefer that I suffer if they knew what I’d done. The part of me that wants to be socially connected attempts to make that happen. “See how miserable and regretful I am? If I just make myself miserable enough, will you forgive me?” But there can be no forgiveness. And generally, I don’t want to suffer, more than is necessary. It doesn’t make me a better person. It just gives me more pain than I feel able to bear and try to escape from, trapping me in dangerous destructive cycles. It doesn’t help anyone.
So, on the basis that no good is served by my suffering (unless you believe in some kind of existential justice), it makes sense to try and minimize my misery. More complications though. I’m insanely lonely and have a deep desire for intimacy, but even if I could find someone who wanted to be with me, it seems deeply unethical to allow someone else to put their trust in me, when I’m so untrustworthy. I can’t be honest with anyone about my past. The consequences would destroy my family and be worse than death for me. So either I remain alone, and suffer, or I deceive someone into believing I’m a worthwhile partner. Isolation made me into the terrible person that I am. But if I break it, is that just perpetrating another evil?