I don’t know what to do or how to keep going.
I don’t even want to keep going anyway and I know I won’t.
Everywhere I go there is another person telling me how I should live my life, they coerce me on what I should or should not do. Everyone always drops their worded baggage on me like I’m a garbage can and then I watch them do it to others. People seem so distracted from the horrors of this world; I’m so envious of them, but at the same time I am hurting because they are so unaware of their own suffering. Everywhere I go I see someone suffering and I would just do anything to remove that pain from them for a moment, but that’s not how life works. Every webpage I visit somehow people are already arguing with each other. The worst part about all of this is the inescapable ignorance, suffering, and existence itself. I hate the concept of existence, I hate that I was taken from nothing and forced here to endure this horrible world.
I don’t understand why people keep hurting me constantly; I never thought of intentionally hurting someone that hasn’t wronged me—in fact I feel physical pain when I see others suffering. I hate this physical pain from emotional distress, it burns my chest and my limbs—I can’t stop it no matter what I do. I always know there’s someone out there who is suffering so badly and it feels like it kills me knowing that. My mind keeps obsessing over the same things over and over again and I’m helpless against it no matter how hard I try. I am a prisoner here and they won’t let me escape, I guess I just have to do my time here.
People tell me to get a hobby or find a friend—I hate doing anything. I can’t just push a button and instantly enjoy something I hate. When I do anything it’s like all the energy and drive in me just ceases to exist… I actually can’t even remember the last time I genuinely felt that energy other than in nervousness. It’s desolated and futile. I witness what I’m doing and it already feels unproductive, nothing feels good enough. Then I wonder to myself:
What should I be doing? I don’t know. I don’t want to do anything—I don’t even want to be here right now. I’d rather jump… But what would be the use? I’m exhausted already anyway; that would also just hurt people and be a bother. A bother. I’m a bother.
This is the month where I struggle with suicidality the most for whatever reason. I attempted over 5 times in my life during the month of May. My head feels like a warzone filled with bombs and screaming and then at the same time my coworker wants to know if “so and so” has work today or how’s my shift been. I’m not able to concentrate like I used to; I’m a young adult and I feel like I’m a senior with dementia.
I just wish I was never born in all honesty, I hate that I have to experience death to get out of here. I haven’t been genuinely happy in years, I don’t even care to feel happy anymore anyway.
I’m so tired of this existence. I really hope reincarnation isn’t a real thing, if otherwise, this has to be hell. I would never want to be forced into this world again.
When will we all finally be free from this illusion?