I dreamt about her again last night. But it’s not about her. It’s what she represents in my subconscious – someone who thought I was worth knowing. She eventually realized she was wrong about that, but she tried far harder than anyone else to give me the opportunity. And now that’s long-gone. And I just want to go back, and find some way to cling on to it. Do things differently. Show my appreciation. Be the person I should’ve been.
There’s no way back, there’s no do-overs, as far as I know. Maybe at some point the universe will loop and all this will happen again, but in that case I guess I’ll make exactly the same mistakes for exactly the same reasons.
So all that remains is to accept the loss of that opportunity to be a functional human being. I just can’t bring myself to let go.