funny, my 1st post a year ago asked the question if anyone has ever recovered from suicidal depression. And here I am a year later and deeper in the shit, even though Ive done everything they tell you to do. Medication: didn’t work. Reaching out for help: didn’t work. Get healthy & exercise: didn’t help. Stop drinking: didn’t help. Fresh air, sunlight, “positive attitude”, listen to music, try writing drawing creating: DIDNT FUCKING HELP.
I’m starting to think all this talk of recovery is the biggest scam since those 1920s cancer tonics. There’s no fucking cure for cancer. Some people just get lucky and it goes into remission while the more aggressive cases are plain screwed.
And ive definitely got an aggressive case of suicide. Why do I keep hoping snake oil will cure me?
I would like to meet 1 person, just 1 person who has been as far down the hole as I have and managed to come out. And stay out. The wisest words I ever heard on the subject were somewhere on this site. Someone said “recovery is easy. It’s staying recovered that’s the problem.”
11 comments
*sigh*
i think i remember that question…
it never goes away, does it?
i think that there are several things necessary for a person to develop suicidal thoughts. a person has to know at the very least what death is. then, obviously, a person has to hear about a suicide and be curious about it, has to actually learn that people find reasons to do it. and the third thing is, that something has to happen in the persons life to cause them to consider suicide. that last thing is something that i have seen somebody else write here on this site somewhere.
i think that if i knew about suicide when i was 4 years old, i would have been suicidal ever since, and possibly would have even committed at an age of twelve years old or so.
i can control my suicidal thoughts. i can shut them down. i have found a way to do that. i can also distract myself, keep myself occupied with something and then those thoughts just don’t find a way to enter my consciousness. i have plenty of ideas for how to spend my time and what to do with my life, so finding ways to keep myself occupied isn’t a problem for me at all.
i had this period when i had crippling suicidal thoughts about a year ago. for me, those thoughts come in massive volumes all at once, and i have to find ways to stop them.
i didn’t have suicidal thoughts for a long time. for over six months they just wouldn’t appear at all. i dealt with those thoughts by finding counterarguments for the reasons i wanted to die. the counterarguments were easier to find than the reasons themselves. understanding fully why i end up wanting to die was hard. after i found those counterarguments, i was able to just shut down those thoughts completely within two or three days, and then they just didn’t come back for a long time.
i doubt that this is how suicidal thoughts present themselves for most people, but for me this was the only way i could have solved this. those thoughts completely messed up my mind and i wasn’t able to function when i had them.
i don’t think that what i had could be called depression. i am much more messed up than that. i had problems with my physiological health, and i tried many things in attempt to solve them, and those efforts did gradually help me feel better, and that allowed my mind to work the right way, made me more calm and put me in a better mood.
but i wouldn’t be able to solve those health issues if i wasn’t able to deal with the suicidal thoughts. those suicidal thoughts appeared primarily because i was tired of looking for solutions to my health problems.
i don’t think that the relevant question here is whether the suicidal thoughts ever go away though. the question that most people ask is whether the thoughts are ever going to come back – whether it is possible to get rid of them altogether.
perhaps some sort of amnesia could erase the ability to form them?
any thought that appears out of nowhere, or a flashback, could as well be a suicidal thought. so i guess a person susceptible to flashbacks could as well end up with a suicidal thought in their mind at some unexpected point in their life.
after wiping the memory of what death and suicide is from a person, that person would still have to be separated from the rest of the world somehow though, to never be exposed to those concepts again.
this idea of how different my life could have been if i knew about suicide earlier came to me two days ago and it changed how i see my childhood now. my childhood could have looked completely differently if i knew about suicide, because amidst all the chaos, all the situations i didn’t know how to deal with, and my lack of coping skills, i had to find ways to occupy my time. i ended up getting interested in all sorts of things, and without those, my childhood would be just miserable or dull. i had to innovate. i didn’t know that thinking about death all day long was an option.
my counterarguments might not hold up forever. and that would be my biggest issue. regardless of how i’m doing healthwise, what material situation am i in, and so forth, i could still find at some point in my life some reason to die that would make so much sense to me, that i wouldn’t be able to fight it.
so that’s for me the most scary thing. i am a dumb person, i don’t even know if my counterarguments make any sense. so i have no clue what possibly could happen some time in the future.
Sorry to hear, ya I’ve had some major depression at a few of my low points in my life. For me the trouble was that I was far from the ideal I wanted for myself, esp in terms of income.
I was angry at my parents for putting me here-it was a very narrow, egocentric way of thinking. I was burnt-out after high school, my dad forced me into university and because of my depression and fatigue from studying my azz off, I just ‘gave up’ on everything and wrecked 2 years of my uni program.
Finally I realized I was only hurting myself (and not my dad for instance) and life was moving on. So I realized if I don’t plan on ending my life, then there was no point for me to keep living in the doldrums year after year and basically I “rejoined” the world at that point.
I was still really unhappy but I just put on a positive face and kept going on with life. Eventually for me those feelings of depression largely faded away as I reengaged with the world.
Then I went back to my former goals/dreams I had for myself. Actually it was a good thing I stayed around as I was able to help a couple of family members who were also struggling a lot themselves.
For me it’s just unconscionable to let any family member end up on the street, (nor would I wish it on anyone else), so I’m glad I was there for them and have never regretted it. Though it doesn’t resolve my own problems.
So with everything you mentioned, I pretty much agree. I don’t think there is a “sure-fire cure” to depression or other mental illness, but this is how I mostly found my way out of it. I think being involved in life/goals, being more social (not isolated) would help to overcome it.
But also one’s situation in life has an influence too…for instance being poor, in a bad job, feeling less than others for some reason, all of that plays a role also.
That’s awesome that you’re solving the problems that led you here. Like you said, a lot of this is situational, so if you can get your life stable then that’s a huge victory. The problem is when you get to the point where you have no more fight left. Then the problems just pile higher as you watch the world move on without you.
One thing is for sure, I agree re-engagement with the world is key. Nobody recovers in a vacuum, alone staring at the mirror telling yourself how wonderful you are… pfft. No we need interactions, connections distractions from our own minds.
So maybe you’re onto something with the idea of putting on a positive face (no matter how fake) just so we can reintegrate with the world. I would try it if the opportunity comes along, but I’m still at the bottom of a dark well where opportunities don’t come along.
Thanks, indeed that’s the challenge to find a way to keep going. I told my dad I needed a year off to just relax he said if I don’t go to univ I had to work. Looking back now, part of it was school, but I think if I had rested for a few months I’d be ready to go at it (studying) again.
I think I was already depressed at the end of high school and blamed it on the studies. I was just deeply unhappy with my life. It’s not the life I wanted and hated being alive.
There were many issues connected with that and I kind of just ‘gave up’ for a while and like you rightly said when there’s no fight left in you the problems pile up.
Until after wasting a couple of years, I realized failing was not a solution….not part of my character of someone who always overcame personal challenges.
Definitely getting ‘back into life’ and pursuing ones goals can help a person feel productive, valued, vital and also garners respect from others.
Sorry to hear that your situation is pretty deep and perhaps intractable (seeming). Hopefully you find a way to feel a part of the world again somehow. Sometimes we have to make our own opportunities if they don’t come along. Taking course can help in that regard. Good luck in whatever you do decide to do.
There may be a component of any recovery process that is not always clearly defined, which is that there is no cure for depression (suicidal or not), there is only, at best, management. Management is mediocre, in terms of providing relief – it’s like hanging from a tree branch 30 feet up, and alternating hands while you hang. You know that at some point you’ll need to let go of the branch and fall, dying or injuring yourself, but you can “manage” the situation by changing the hand you’re hanging with. I personally have never recovered, and never will. Hell, the term “recovery” itself is b.s. It should be replaced with “learned management.” Provided that I don’t die accidentally or at the hands of another person, I know my fate.
Learned management… that sounds about right. What sucks is how your hands tire out, so the trick that worked in the beginning won’t keep saving you. The antidepressants that worked the 1st month become useless, the exercise & healthy diet that gave you a boost at first becomes a chore, people who supported you eventually fade out of your life. So it’s like you said, switching hands isn’t going to work forever. Then you fall.
I think the problem lies in how our medical institutions treat depression. Its like we see this person who’s struggling to stay afloat, but rather than check if there are any anvils tied to their feet, we throw them some life jackets and wonder why they’re still splashing around. Now, if any anvils or refrigerators or other heavy objects were cut loose, those life jackets might actually save a life.
Hah that’s the truth. For example say there’s someone who’s in debt, uneducated & unemployed. Are pills going to save that person? Therapy? Talking about feelings? I think depression is caused by something, an ongoing problem… that anvil tied to your feet… And that’s what has to be fixed first. The current medical solutions are useless unless the person is already on the mend. And at that point, if someone’s already gotten rid of the anvil, then they probably don’t need any more help anyway.
Actually, in your example, therapy, pills, et al, could in reality be like tossing a drowning man another anchor rather than a life jacket. That stuff is expensive if you live in America, even with insurance. But being on the mend – I don’t think that’s ever a thing with these issues. Literally every person you will ever meet, see, or pass on the street has their own unique bundle of brain glitches and neurotic impulses. It’s like minds aren’t a manufactured product with regular shapes, but rather growing trees with fractal branches.