Flattening out

I don’t know why my brain suddenly cleared up today…I have to write this down.

I’ve always believed that mental illness can be cured by itself, and if it doesn’t, it’s because I deserve it as a punishment, but this time it’s really not going to work. If my speaking, writing, and thinking skills are two woodsheds, an episode is an earthquake plus tsunami. I’ve done…everything, to myself, for myself. I said that I deserved it, I’ll just die of illness, and many other things that I couldn’t understand now that my mind is clear… But the time for suicide has passed, and now I have no energy to do anything. If I keep drowning in mental illness, I’m going to go entirely crazy, my intelligence will burn up entirely and I’ll become, pardon my language I really can’t find a better word, retarded. If I let my mind spiral further down I’m going to become retarded.

When my head was a mess, I went on a website like Quora to ask a question. The sentences I wrote were so fragmented and confusing that they seemed to be written by a 5-year-old. People that answered were so speechless from my stupidity. Before that, I posted a long critique on contemporary issues on my social media account. When I wrote it, I thought I made so much sense and wrote something very impactful, I felt my analysis was so good that I was the reincarnation of Lu Xun.. After reading it a few times, I suddenly remembered that whenever I write long essays on social media I end up embarrass myself almost every time. My mind cooled down and I was completely out of touch with my own “opinions”. I refreshed my account with unease, and no one liked it within 20 minutes. I thought i should private the text, just in case. . I really want to thank myself for the decision I made at the time. Because when I woke up…I found that my opinion was terrible, and it was so long that it was really like something a lunatic would write.

I’m going to study art, but art is more than techniques…techniques can be kept up with a lot of practice, but if you lose your intellect… it’s over. I don’t need to and can’t become smart, but I can’t be entirely stupid. I don’t tell the people who cares about me about any of the scary thing in heart, I hide it, and I don’t go to the doctor. I find pride in that. I feel like I’m becoming a little schizophrenic…

If I don’t get medicated in the coming two years, I will get so sick I’ll become retarded. I can’t fight myself and expect to win. I’ve been in pain for so long, at an age where my brain is still in its development stage, I’m so scared of what would happen if I lose my mind a few more times. For the sake of drawing and my family, I have to stay alive. But staying alive so fucking painful. It almost boiled my soul to death, and now it runs away from my body all the time. I watched it run like watching a YouTube pet video, and let the bugs in my brain crawl. What I didn’t expect is that the bugs were not eating my desire for life (maybe that’s already eaten up), but my IQ and my memories.

I think I have realized this subconsciously a while back, I gradually stopped talking. I dare not say anything, because I do not know what I am talking about or what I am looking at. Once I wanted to pay tuition fees, I swiped down on the web page to find a button, and sent a screenshot to the school official. The school sent a photo with a red circle around the photo I took a screenshot of. The button is just below the bank card number entered. I’ve taken screenshots, I’ve taken screenshots, but I still can’t see it!

It is happening as I am writing this now. Another example. I wanted to write another example down but as I finished up my previous paragraph, my brain restarted, and I forgot about all of it again.

Once I woke up in the morning and was scared to death, scared of getting out of bed. At that time, I thought that if I went to school, the real me was going to die. There were two more people in my mind, but these two people were neither audio-visual nor “split personalities”, they were like paper-cut figures. I don’t know how to describe it.

A girl classmate likes me very much, mainly because I dress good and pretend to be good. No one knows that I am insane, no one knows what I have done, not that I can remember it myself. I picked things to saw that would please everyone.  As soon as I got in front of the crowd, I would automatically turn on the character to play. That character is gentle with a childlike daze, but also mature enough to be respected. The classmate said that I had a high emotional intelligence and even joked that I was a supermodel. I was so, so happy when I heard her, but I was also scared to death. Occasionally I mentioned the fear to my sister, and she said, “Ah, you are worried about your appearance.” That’s right, I was so anxious that I took laxatives and made myself a corset. I said I was afraid, and she said, “Then when others praise you for your looks, I’ll go around and yell out no, no, no, she’s ugly, ugly.” Within two sentences, I started to cry; which pulled out everything repressed. I cried and cried and blowed my nose and cried more. Balled up tissues everywhere.

The classmate said that I have a high EQ. I thought, they all say that people with high IQ have low EQ. Is there anyone with high EQ and low IQ? So i searched, and found someone who wrote about his high EQ and low IQ friend. Here is what he said:

“He’s really stupid… His hands-on ability is extremely poor, his logical thinking ability is not good, his writing ability is basically zero, and his comprehension ability is very strange. He can see through all issues related to interpersonal relationships at a glance, but when it involves any professional content, he basically found them all incomprehensible. He has a good taste in all kinds of art, music, painting, movies, but he can’t comment at all, he can only say that this is so fucking good or that is fucking bad. Sometimes I think that his brain may have shortcomings. He should have been a very smart person, but he accidentally leaked all his IQ. “

In the next few days, I often thought of the sentence “He should have been a very smart person, but he accidentally leaked all his IQ”. I was unhappy since childhood, so I can’t remember when I was smart, but I can remember times when I felt euphoric and overjoyed and when I was a star of public speaking or drama plays. All gone, all ruined.

I decided to live because I was admitted to a good art school. At that time, I thought that I would be fine to live without seeing a doctor. After all, I had never experienced any earth-shattering, news broadcast worthy trauma. But I have to take meds now. I really can’t bear the pain alone. I’m afraid I won’t be able to draw anymore. I’ll go to the doctor when I move to a new city after the summer vacation, hopefully by then I won’t need one anymore.

edit: I take that back about me “being in pain for so long”, many people on this site have been unhappy for way longer, like, 10 to 20 years. I’m still kind of young, so the years can’t compare. I thought way too much in the recent years and the thoughts mutated quick

It’s been less than 6 hours since I wrote this, I already don’t care anymore haha, I’m not even doing that bad, and my essay wasn’t totally senseless, I doubt if treatment is necessary. I’m doing good, I’ll focus on drawing!