The last time I posted on here was back in 2018.. Since then so much has changed. I was in a shitty relationship for 2 years that went to shit, I graduated high school which I thought I never would and I made it past 18 years. I went through hell during the last two years of high school would be an understatement but I am past that now and do not want to relive it. I stopped counting how long I am clean of cutting for and would not be able to give you an estimate. I do rely on other coping mechanisms that are not as intense as cutting but are not the best.
I am writing today because it has gotten to a point where I am unable to vent, rant, or open up to anyone in my life. I do not trust anyone and I do not need judgment. I got into a good university and moved away from home, I just finished my first year and I did horribly. I failed a class and barely passed my other classes. I also was sexually assaulted, and I cannot help but blame myself for it because that is what I grew up hearing. After that, I just started partying and drinking to ignore it and distract myself from it. I feel so guilty and I feel so much shame. I lost my virginity to a guy I do not even know and it makes me hate myself so much. He blocked me afterward and it’s not like I even wanted to do it, I was put in a position where I felt like I could not say no. I feel like absolute shit and if my parents or anyone finds out I am fucked. I feel so much guilt and it’s so hard living with it. At this point, the only reason I am still here is that I feel bad for my brother who is neglected by my parents and is probably depressed and suicidal too.
I just want to be happy but I have no energy. I want to do well in my studies and just move far away from home and make something for myself but it’s just too much.
2 comments
You are a fighter, keep fighting and stay strong. Don´t blame yourself for your past mistakes and allow yourself to learn from what you experiences. Best advice i could give you is to take everything very slowly and just do your best. Be kind to yourself and love yourself whatever happens. Having no energy is a pain, and it takes a toll on even the best of us. Allow yourself to be just the way you are, and feel exactly what you are feeling. Your feelings will change, and in time you will get to your happy place. Stay strong my friend
It took me decades to finally understand that the toxic and highly damaging upbringing I had was not my fault, that I wasn’t responsible for other people’s appalling behaviour. I would like to make it very clear to you that having read your post, the guilt and shame belongs to those who have wronged you.
You have done remarkably well to get through that grim period four years ago. Please take strength from that. This too will pass, you’re a proven survivor.