The last time I posted on here was back in 2018.. Since then so much has changed. I was in a shitty relationship for 2 years that went to shit, I graduated high school which I thought I never would and I made it past 18 years. I went through hell during the last two years of high school would be an understatement but I am past that now and do not want to relive it. I stopped counting how long I am clean of cutting for and would not be able to give you an estimate. I do rely on other coping mechanisms that are not as intense as cutting but are not the best.
I am writing today because it has gotten to a point where I am unable to vent, rant, or open up to anyone in my life. I do not trust anyone and I do not need judgment. I got into a good university and moved away from home, I just finished my first year and I did horribly. I failed a class and barely passed my other classes. I also was sexually assaulted, and I cannot help but blame myself for it because that is what I grew up hearing. After that, I just started partying and drinking to ignore it and distract myself from it. I feel so guilty and I feel so much shame. I lost my virginity to a guy I do not even know and it makes me hate myself so much. He blocked me afterward and it’s not like I even wanted to do it, I was put in a position where I felt like I could not say no. I feel like absolute shit and if my parents or anyone finds out I am fucked. I feel so much guilt and it’s so hard living with it. At this point, the only reason I am still here is that I feel bad for my brother who is neglected by my parents and is probably depressed and suicidal too.
I just want to be happy but I have no energy. I want to do well in my studies and just move far away from home and make something for myself but it’s just too much.