I was doing so badly. And then I was doing fine. Today I’m doing…different. It’s a somewhat bad different. I’m afraid. I’m so so tired. I’m ready to make a mistake and exit. Things that once gave me pleasure aren’t anymore. My eyes are itching. The world feels gray and silly and all the people in my life seem untrustworthy. All the good I could see is gone. I’m driving recklessly and seeing but not seeing beauty. I wish I could open my eyes and return to the comfort that was yesterday. Change is hard. But well, I’ve wanted change for a while. So at least it’s something. I know sleep will cure me. At least I hope it does. How the hell do people live seeing the world as this crap fest! I don’t really want to die today and I don’t want to live either. Is this all that’s waiting for me in life? Dirty bathrooms and a bad smell following me around, long COVID perhaps, and the suffocating plainness that is reality? Fuck it, I would settle for my nose fixing itself. But nah, life just has to milk my unhappiness. What the fuck is with this? I’m smelling smoke 24/7 EVERYWHERE. I’m breathless. I’m so done with it. God, fix me or I die. God, fix my head and I don’t die. I cried two days ago. I couldn’t work because I needed to cry. So many tears for a tired, sunken-eyed, smoke smelling tested-negative little shit. I’m not even worth the tears. I feel disillusioned (again) and I wish I could stop right now. Perhaps if I brush hard enough this taste will leave my mouth.