Is it only humans, or every thing that is?
In Buddhist thought, the nature of existence is suffering/unsatisfactoriness. So it is we always move toward the desirable, away from the undesirable, being born again and again in a variety of incarnations until we finally are able to transcend the wheel of misery through nirvana. That is literally the goal of the religion: gtfo’ing from reality. I still don’t know whether that is super morbid, or super on the nose. Catch, though, is you can’t just kill yourself, because you’ll just be reborn as some other thing. See, there’s the whole superstitious “karma” mumbo-jumbo that’s never really explained (“it’s just a thing, okay, like the fact that existence is inherently fucking miserable!”). Kinda hit a snag for me when after reading some excellent articles, I saw this as a pretty obvious corollary to Catholic original sin (you’re inherently bad, because a you that you used to be was bad, and now bad things are happening because of bad things this ‘other you’ did. So it’s your fault!). Sigh. All religions are the fucking same.
All that aside. We see all manner of creation behave like this; animals always so freaking anxious about everything cause they don’t know if thing x is going to try and kill them, even the microscopic world has that towards it’s inclined and averse, and talk about all out war, man – the microbial world is hostile af. But we’ve seen in modern experiments that even non-living things tend to just…be inclined to organize as life. Random proteins and water and energy and shit will just churn out life forms in the right environment (I forget the name and specifics but this stuff is an easy Google). Why would elementary particles move toward this state of being? Why does non-life have this predilection to organise as life? Living is constant effort and struggle to not suffer. If we do nothing, we suffer. If we make effort, oftentimes we suffer. Only sometimes does effort lead to satisfaction, and it’s usually helped or hampered by so much outside our control. We get sick, sometimes get well, sometimes don’t. Ever. Why the fuck is suffering so god damn unavoidable, and in this fucked up way, seemingly desirable? And if there is an answer of which suicide is not a part, why aren’t we aware of it?
I now live in a place where I have zero good friends, and a very small number of acquaintances. A subset of my distant real friends know I’ve taken a turn for the worse, but not in total detail. They seem to care, to be invested. But they can’t/don’t take the time to even make the effort to provide some social relief, to connect with me. Life is like that; until a problem is right up in our fucking face we often don’t even notice it. So I don’t blame them. It’s the natural way of the universe, so it would seem. But how revolting the universe is. I know on a cosmic scale every single thing is not relevant whatsoever, but simultaneously, every single thing is. It’s all connected, part of the same whole; I am the universe, and so are you, as is that blade of grass, that breeze – literally every single thing is the product of everything that has occurred up until now and will inform the totality of the future. Does that mean this suffering, this will to die, is in line with all that as well? If so, suicide is never an “early” death; nothing in the universe can happen other than right on schedule. “Nature does not hurry, yet accomplished all things”, says the Dao. Maybe all of this is just me trying to legitimize my feelings and not feel bad about the possibility/inevitability of quitting when I so choose, if I so choose.
It just sucks to have been brought up in a world where none of this was taught, talked about, considered, validated, or anything. I lost my best friend to suicide in 2016, while living on the other side of the world, and I felt I could’ve done more. But our mutual friends in the same area didn’t stop it, and they felt they could’ve done more. Maybe there is no “more” or “less”, because that puts us as an external object from the universe. We can only ever really do whatever is possible due to the entirety of history informing each moment for us as “individuals” (what a concept…) – we didn’t actively decide to be attentive or absent friends. Or shitty partners, or abusers, or chronically ill. Circumstances beyond our control, informed by the same, shaped these things, and these too shape our decision to live or die every instant.
For now, because my current plan requires a bit of orchestration, I will not choose to die in this moment. No matter how much I do not want to be here, how much as I’m not looking forward to ending this day, and starting another one that will most likely play out the same, it is not the time. Not right now.