I am alone because I isolate myself. I isolate myself because I feel like shit when I’m around other people. I feel like shit around others because I feel exposed and vulnerable and out of place and stupid. Because…I’ve spent so much of my life avoiding people that I’ve never learned how to handle the unexpected little complications that they inevitably produce? Or because I’m just intrinsically socially inept? Or because I’m so insanely self-conscious and socially anxious that the tiniest little thing sticks in my mind & ruins my day?
It’s not something I feel I can solve through exposure – there have been extended periods in my life when I forced myself to be around the low-level chaos of others day after day. I never stopped feeling anxious & out of control & stupid. It never got any easier. I never learned how to deal with it. All it takes is the smallest thing to go not to plan & I freeze. My ability to act like a normal human being stalls. The software running in my brain encounters an error and needs to close. And I feel stupid, and childish, and helpless, and pathetic. And I act like that. And I hate it. I hate me. I hate my thoughts, the way I feel. I hate being this. I guess I just don’t hate it enough to overcome my fear of death.
So I’m alone. Pointlessly, terminally alone. I can’t interact with others on anything beyond a superficial level, and even then, if they say or do anything even slightly outside my expected parameters, my simulated social skills shutdown. I am a waste of a life.