I don’t see a future for myself anymore. I haven’t for many years now.. I’m just so tired of it all. I don’t know why people have to be so judgemental all of the time, the simplest mistakes and you’re an idiot or will never amount to anything. It’s just so exhausting to deal with but it’s even harder when it comes from family and friends. I’ve tried my whole life to tell them how there words make me feel but they just laugh it off as a joke and write off my feelings. Then one day when they keep pushing too far you blow up and yell at them that you don’t like being talked to that way just for them to get angry saying that I need to communicate that. It’s just all so maddening. I’ve tried to tell them as plain as I can about how I feel and they just brush me off as being emotional. I have no place I feel safe. They just never take me seriously and it’s incredibly lonely.
Despite how much I have worked I cannot afford to live alone, yet I have no one in my life I trust and am comfortable living with. It doesn’t help that I’ve always been a bit antisocial but now at age 36 Im at a weird place in life where I’m out of school and I don’t know how to make new friends. I try to find people on the internet but it happens to be a pretty toxic place too, it’s just feels impossible to escape which just depresses me further.
My anxiety is a constant companion now. It’s with me all of the time to the point of ruining my already questionable health. It gives me night sweats and for the past two months i only average 2 hours of sleep (never all at once) a night. My chest hurts all of the time and my body just cannot keep up with this. I’ve tried sleeping pills to fall asleep just to wake up like I always do but I’m so loopy from the pill that I can’t function, it’s a disturbing experience and I don’t like trying them anymore…
I’ve been doing therapy for more than 20 years and I’ve taken a bunch of different meds but none of it helps. I’ve tried other treatments like electric shock but they aren’t covered by my insurance so I’ve spent way to much money in treatments that never helped. I pretty much needed another treatment just from seeing the price. It just feels like a no win situation, I either keep spending money that could have gone to my future or keep rolling the dice in treatments and medications that never do any good. It just makes me feel so helpless.
Four people I loved have committed suicide and I often wonder if they were the smart ones, my little brother and my cousin were two of the smartest people I knew. It seems researching the most humane way to commit suicide is the only thing that brings me any peace anymore. Most of the people I care about are gone and I feel like I’ve already lived my dream. I’ve spent 22 years learning martial arts and got to have my dream job as a martial arts instructor for 5 of those years. It was the only time I felt worth something but my body just can’t do it anymore. Without it I just feel so empty. It never helped that my friends and family just thought I was a joke if I brought up my martial arts. I guess it’s something someone soft spoken can’t be good at. I learned at a young age that if I showed people a hobby I started that I would get critisized if I didn’t do it perfectly which would often turn me off from doing it more. So I left everyone out of my martial arts, my proudest accomplishments I felt I had to keep from them because I didn’t want there negativity to affect something that I finally found a true passion for.
I just don’t know how to find hope in this world. I don’t see the point of life when I constantly feel alone, in pain and too exhausted to do anything… I have found a method for ending things that I am comfortable with and have purchased parts of it, I just don’t know how easy I can get the rest. I’m gonna try still, planning this is the only thing that makes me feel better so maybe it is the right thing to do after all. Sorry for the long rant, I just had to put this somewhere.