putting aside the fact that i think im not really that attractive, but at least i look.. kinda cute on days where i actually take time to take care of myself, my body is very weird.
for 2 (almost 3?) years, ive been eating at least 1 or 2 meals a day (however, on days when i can’t catch my brother sleeping so i can sneak a meal, i usually just let myself not eat for that day), portion doesn’t really matter, but it’s been getting smaller and smaller. i used to binge eat alot when i was younger, i never got rid of that hunger and would always return to the fridge for more. i was (and still am) a fat kid. i’ve been losing weight, but i’m not too sure how i feel about it. of course, i want to be skinner, sometimes its nice to hold in my stomach and feel my ribs and sometimes is just nice to look in the mirror and see a still round belly, but flat when i don’t eat for the day.
i wouldn’t say i have a eating disorder, no, im far too fat for that. if i was left on an island with clean drinkable water, i think i can survive on my fat like a bear.
but.. ive been noticing something.
food isn’t.. interesting anymore. when i get the chance to cook for myself and eat for the day, i debate on even doing meal prep. the smell of food sometimes.. stings me. it makes me nauseous. even my favorite foods like curry or chicken sandwiches make my brain feel dizzy. when i overcome my feelings and sit down to eat, i can only manage a few bites before feeling bored. when i do force myself to eat the whole thing because i havent eaten in the past 24 hours, my body starts to spazz out and i feel like puking. why? my hunger pains are unbearable, but when i actually sit down to treat myself to a meal my stomach just simply stops throwing a hunger tantrum and makes me feel nauseous! what do you want from me?? why are you so weird??