Meaning is what makes life worth living. What makes pain and suffering seem bearable. I have robbed myself of any chance at what I consider to be a meaningful life. Any hope of meaningful relationships, or a future self I can respect. So all I’m left with is the pain and suffering. And although it’s not yet that severe, I don’t know how to bear it. Because I have nothing to console myself with. Nothing to use to tell myself “it’s ok”. Nothing to look forward to. Nothing to work towards. There is no positive meaning in my life.
All that is left for me is negative meaning. To avoid causing devastation to my family. To try to avoid the things I fear, like imprisonment, violence or homelessness. And it’s not enough. It’s not enough to motivate me, to get me out of bed in the morning. It’s not a life. It’s not worth living. It would be better if it ended. But I’m too afraid to end it.
So I turn to destructive coping mechanisms, again and again. Anything not to feel it, even for a few short minutes. To escape, however briefly. No matter how much worse it makes the pain afterwards. Because it already feels unbearable, so what if it gets worse? Escape into twisted fantasy, feel the endorphin rush, hate myself a little more, increase the pain, take a pill to send me to sleep, spend the next day exhausted, fail to make anything better, rinse and repeat.
It’s all so stupid and pointless. And I can stand outside of myself, and ask myself “what the fuck are you doing, you moron?” But I can’t break free of the cycle. Because I have no meaning. I have no mental shield, to make reality seem tolerable. And it feels unbearable. I can’t transcend it, or overcome it. There is no sane self within that can overpower my base impulses. I have no guiding light. I’m alone in the dark.
6 comments
Hug/ cuddle / I can’t get out of bed either.
Thanks dude.
Haha Just Sharon the love!
This one’s for you
this post, in itself, is progress. You are heard.
I think many of us feel like we’re in a similar hole as well, something we can’t change.
My sister has a pretty good life, but she’s in an unhappy marriage and deeply regrets not finding a better man-when she had more opportunities. She also hates her job (though she has a well paying position) and adding that with other issues, she’s also felt trapped and suicidal.
My life is a bit of a wreck as well…it’s got its ups and downs and I’m on the cusp of improving things…looking to get my own home, but even that is a major task and a pain in the azz itself.
The worst is when you’re not settled by the time you’re middle-aged and you’re trying to re-live your youth. Only good thing I have going is my genetics I look young for my age and have most of my hair still.
I think most humans are naturally afraid of suicide for fear of botching it and ending up worse off or not being certain about the way to go about it.
So we just drag ourselves from day to day. If not for my close family members I would’ve made my plans to off myself already.
If you’re born into wealth, the world is your oyster. If you’re born into a lower income family, life is garbage. From the place you live, to the opportunities you can have, it’s a pointless struggle.
I figured this out a long time ago. I kept trying to make a better life for myself but kept failing (only attaining a low income below my true potential).
I bought into all crap they tell in school and on TV about working hard and you’ll make it….at first I hoped to go as far as I could in life.
As I got older I got more ‘realistic’ and just aimed for the normal middle-class life everybody wants…but when I wasn’t even getting that, then I knew the deck was stacked against me. Not that there was someone stopping me but it’s just one’s ‘luck’ or ‘destiny,’ call it what you will.
What’s worse is that I got a taste of the good life and when I was younger to some I was also considered attractive and that opened some doors for me I never imagined (esp with girls/women)…and for a time I had some happiness but all that fades quickly.
We’re here on SP because our live aren’t terrible enough to try to leave it so we just keep going along until one day we just won’t have a choice. I do have a fairly reliable method picked out and researched it well…I’d just have to get my things together….but for now I’ll just keep going.
I feel I am at a turning point. I think at least if I get my body back in shape hopefully next year and find a partner, life might be worth living for the last 20-30 yrs left.
Otherwise I don’t think I’m going to go much beyond 5-10 years, at least until my mother who’s in her 70s passes away. Then I’ll probably do a few things I’ve been wanting to do, including taking a nice vacation and then say sayonara to this life.
There’s also a part of me who sees other people’s suffering and wishes I was able to help, but I can barely keep my own life together…so everyone is really on their own in this life and they have to decide if it’s worth it to try to improve their life or not.