I don’t think I can do this for much longer. Eventually, I’m just gonna end it. I have to at some point. I don’t know how yet. I’ve been looking up methods and stuff but I only have one way readily available, and it wouldn’t even be certain death. I don’t want to wake up in the hospital with people upset or possibly even angry at me.
I was stupid to ever think I could try. At anything. In the end it’s better off. I still don’t know when I’ll do it, I’ll probably break in these late months, I’ll be overwhelmed as I usually get with everything. I want to have one last Christmas with my family.
They deserved better. All of them. I’ve already failed them so many times and they only love and care for me out of pity, if at all.
This is so stupid. I should’ve done this a long time ago.
Soon.
4 comments
Don’t beat yourself up over trying. It is the natural inclination of the cosmos to form into what we call life and try its best to live it. Going against the inherent order of the universe is kind of a big deal. I’m sorry you’ve reached that threshold.
I understand how you feel. I’ve been there. In fact, I’m still in the same situation.
I truly think your family loves you if you still want to spend Christmas with them. Perhaps a small part of you wants to live and make it through.
I’ll play the part of the grumpy old sceptic; I’ve been saying I’m going to eventually for years, even gotten really really close, but unfortunately/fortunately (depending on who you ask), I’m still here.
Reminds me of the Adam Ant lyric;
“Every rebel that I’ve met
they say they’re going to die and yet
I see them now and they aren’t dead yet
I’m pushing 41”
There will likely always be something you are putting off death for, life is funny like that. There doesn’t appear to be any evidence it has to be a good reason though, so the hope lies in the idea that you could realize that whatever reason IS silly, and thus the point of waiting meaningless.
Christmas doesn’t hold much appeal to me though. A time for my family to congratulate themselves on their successes, a time for me to feel frustrated about still being alive.
You’re okay ? Anyone have any news?