I know no other word for it, because I am dancing with destruction, without doubt. Yesterday I reached a point I walked off the job, and I wanted very much to keep walking to something else, nearly anything else. Then my wife cried, and so now that escape route is cut off. It’s melt before fail. Let’s talk about melt before fail, because it was an actual engineering principle once upon a time. The idea was that a computer, rather than shutting down when reaching a critical malfunction, would instead keep running. Even if it caught fire, or melted the contacts.
There’s something undeniably macho about the whole thing, and also frivolous and wasteful, but that’s what being a man is all about these days.
So now I am staring down my own demons, my failing brain, my failing body, and accepting the apparently unavoidable collapse. It is of course entirely avoidable, the people in my life could accept my rational resistance and allow me to make a new plan. They don’t, because for whatever reason this is the hill they want to see me die on. I’m not coming back, that’s for damn sure. Last time I was told that my health and life had value, and now I see how hollow those words were.
I am a piece of construction equipment, of no outside value apart from my ability to earn money and achieve at my career. This goes against centuries of theology and philosophy, but that’s post modernism; a great big middle finger to the concept of higher values, and of humanism.
I keep going back to the last collapse, the time just before and after. I had a dream, and that dream became my reality; that the world had ended, and I was a survivor. Now I wonder what horrors in contrast had to exist for that to be preferable…. pretty much where I am right now. I probably won’t remember this, and that’s what I’ve been saying any time someone asks why I am talking about it. In event of collapse, this part will be locked away for years at minimum, possibly forever.
My rational mind cannot accept the world I’m living with. Which is apparently an acceptable casualty. People have to buy stuff, otherwise how does the sham perpetuate?