been talking about dying for at least a solid 15 years, fully suicidal for the past decade at least…. but today was the closest I’ve ever come.
It’s not like there was a trigger. I just looked down at OBJECT_REDACTED and thought; I could go that way, nearly no effort, so I bent over and put in my pocket, and about ten minutes later I walked out of the building and got in my car, because the particular method I was going for was going to take a solid ten minutes. I’ve read quite a bit about what works and what doesn’t, and I think I could have done it
then I called the hotline. God knows why, mostly that paranoid thought that someone will find my body, when I find a body disposal method to go with a fairly accessible method, it’s gonna get terminal because if there’s no body who’s to say what happened? But I kept hitting that wall at the end of the fantasy, imagining the people I love identifying my body….. which is on par with how unpleasant I suppose dying will be.
I was driving out of town, not really caring where just looking for a good quiet place to end it. Then I started bargaining with the hotline person, they’re getting really good at it, and I also realized that going home was vastly more appealing than spending the next few weeks in the hospital; made worse by the one hospital I’d be willing to go to not being covered by my insurance, and one of the two remaining facilities being one I’ve worked at. Working there was enough of a nightmare, and back then I was allowed to leave after eight hours.
Real middling feeling, finding myself alive after today. I could have done better… but I chose the path of least pain, because my kindness makes me into a wimp more often than not.
My advice, if you want to die sincerely, is to learn to hate those you’ll leave behind. Then you can justify doing whatever you need to to them as a basis of achieving your escape. As for now, still in this morbid cell of my body, waiting the long method for it to end.
11 comments
to be fair, there was a trigger, several probably, off hand I can think of these;
losing use of my right hand
unavoidable calls from debt collectors
the unavoidable feeling that no matter how hard I work, how smart I am, I’ll be under crushing debt and poverty
Ya losing the use of my right hand would be a valid trigger for me as well. I personally wouldn’t want to go on depending on others.
Here in Canada, thankfully after a long hard fight-which is still far from over-at least we have legalized euthanasia and hopefully in time they’ll ease the restrictions so that eventually it’ll be much easier for anyone to get.
I’ve heard of someone who lost their eyesight so they were given permission. Otherwise people will need to rely on themselves to ‘end it.’
As for anyone here ‘drowning in debt’ I’d strongly encourage you to declare bankruptcy. It’ll give you a clean slate and the creditors will no longer come after you. Everybody deserves a second chance. Also it doesn’t cost very much, maybe $1,000 or so. Talk to a trustee, they’ll help you out.
Ofc if its for a small amount and if you’re working I wouldn’t suggest it, since it can be repaid fairly easily. If you’re in the hole for tens of thousands, then definitely do it. It’ll wreck your credit but in a short while after you can rebuild it (I know of a friend who did that).
As for ‘poverty’ there are ways of making more money by upgrading your career and doing other things to generate an income some that might not be above board. You are not trapped by your situation.
Certainly if there are too many reasons piling up and “exiting” is what you prefer then that’s up to you-we all have our limits.
I didn’t have a great life, though I had some good times, but everything flew by so fast, that by the time I figured it all out, I’ve wasted my best years and there’s no going back. So trust me I also don’t have a lot of reasons to keep going apart from family and some things I enjoy about living.
Otherwise if suicide or euthanasia was much easier to access, I probably would’ve bailed out on this life ages ago. Most of my life was just watching others have a wonderful time, wishing and waiting for my time to come. Apart for some great moments I had, most of it really sucked…and overall not worth the suffering I went through.
Atm, life is picking up for me, so I’m willing to give it a try and hopefully I can recapture some of the things I wanted to experience. I’ve given myself a decade and if by my 60s I’m not in a “wonderful place” then most definitely I will ‘take my leave.’
I’ve really suffered enough and have grown jaded/disillusioned with living. It’s more sadness than anything for missing out on some awesome opportunities in terms of relationships and getting a higher income. The two greatest factors imo for having a good/happy life (aside from good physical and mental health).
I’m glad you’re in remission. 🙂
You must have confused me with someone else, I don’t have cancer or any health issues.
At least you aren’t delusional and regularly catfishing people you don’t know.
I knew a guy that would post stories like this to get back at the people he was mad at. He held this delusional belief that strangers should care for him. He’d catfish people by making fake accounts, and tried to get information from a stranger’s family members, one time he made a fake account and tried to get people to pay a go fund me.
He puts strangers on a pedestal by calling them things like “dad” etc and makes fake accounts via phone and uses them to stalk people he’s mad at by saying things like “keem sent us to get you” type stuff just a real Hinckley nut
He ended up getting arrested after following a girl to a hotel and telling a cop “my doctor required this girl take care of me for my hypothermia”
(He didn’t have hypothermia or a doctor)
Actually, he followed the girl to a hotel after finding out she was on a date, sat in the lobby, and was asked to leave when the girl and her date returned from a movie. After being told no, he requested an ambulance from the desk clerk claiming “it was the hypothermia again” and was carried out on a gurney. When the girl he followed saw him, he kept saying “see you at the hospital. See you at the hospital.”
After they released him 30 minutes later, he returns to the hotel and tries barging into the room the girl and her date were in. He said to them, “I’m sleeping on the floor, I’m a guest”
And ended up being arrested.
The girl he followed knew him after being his roommate for a month or so. When she met him, he would tell big fibs like “He once just walked into an art gallery and was asked to undress to be painted”
or he’d to wear these pedo glasses he stole from someone, and he’d fib and say “my grandpa gave me these on his deathbed. I used to make rocking chairs with him” etc when none of it was true. He’d also fib about how much money he had or how he was on the honor-roll, and gave a speech while undressing and was cheered on by the girls in class… (didn’t happen)
Or he’d fib about smoking pot in a firetower with random people, or walking naked in the forest alone (I still don’t understand that one)
Anyway, after lying like that he started sexually harassing the roommate by getting naked and following her around the apartment. He’d pick the lock if she locked herself in her room and lay on her floor claiming it was “his house” , so she’d leave her bedroom and he’d follow her to the next room. She was apparently in college and couldn’t study for a test because of it. All this happened after he asked her out by leaving notes hidden all over the apartment. (I suppose anger comes out in strange ways)
After that, he’d try striking up random conversations and once again lie about stupid things , “that he was going out with friends, but he didn’t really have plans.
When she tried to make him leave, they’d argue, and he’d claim he didn’t have to work, it was his apartment now etc
And one night while she was asleep, he poked holes in her bathroom door, and claimed he put pornographic photos of her on the internet to sell for money.
I think she finally got him out by acting like everything was fine / said they were going to the movies… where then after they left town she announced she was taking him home to get more items like clothes even though it was a two hour drive. He made her give him an item so he wouldn’t be “abandoned”
And he secretly stole her phone even though she gave him a garage clicker. Not long after that, maybe a week, police showed up at her door and announced her work banned her from ever returning. Sigh just saying, you don’t know how great you are compared to some. Some are pure nutty like John Hinkley
Also, I enjoy your presence. Please don’t hurt yourself. If I were there with you, I’d help you out with the hole in the floor. I’d help you patch it up. I’d go out on the town with you and cheer you up.
I’ve never tried the hotline. I might next time I get really down. Wonder what they’d do if I abused them verbally. “You’re a fat betch Becky” would they hang up?
Hey. I’ve seen your posts here for a year now. I’m really sorry about your hand. I don’t know what pushes people over the edge. But I do know it isn’t always big. I won’t feed you the bullshit about it’ll all get better. Whatever you choose, it’s going to be hard, and you know that already. I just want you to know that we’re here for you. You’re not alone. And should you disappear, you will be missed.
Knowing we are rebranded slaves under the name of ’employed’ yet unable to afford even basic needs, essentially denied the activity of living, forced to waste this likely one life on the same repeated days, it is a deal breaker for life being worth it.
That said, I’ve followed many of your posts and have even enjoyed a reply or two of yours to mine, often challenging me on my own thinking. As some have said already, you aren’t alone here and your presence makes a positive difference on this site.