been talking about dying for at least a solid 15 years, fully suicidal for the past decade at least…. but today was the closest I’ve ever come.
It’s not like there was a trigger. I just looked down at OBJECT_REDACTED and thought; I could go that way, nearly no effort, so I bent over and put in my pocket, and about ten minutes later I walked out of the building and got in my car, because the particular method I was going for was going to take a solid ten minutes. I’ve read quite a bit about what works and what doesn’t, and I think I could have done it
then I called the hotline. God knows why, mostly that paranoid thought that someone will find my body, when I find a body disposal method to go with a fairly accessible method, it’s gonna get terminal because if there’s no body who’s to say what happened? But I kept hitting that wall at the end of the fantasy, imagining the people I love identifying my body….. which is on par with how unpleasant I suppose dying will be.
I was driving out of town, not really caring where just looking for a good quiet place to end it. Then I started bargaining with the hotline person, they’re getting really good at it, and I also realized that going home was vastly more appealing than spending the next few weeks in the hospital; made worse by the one hospital I’d be willing to go to not being covered by my insurance, and one of the two remaining facilities being one I’ve worked at. Working there was enough of a nightmare, and back then I was allowed to leave after eight hours.
Real middling feeling, finding myself alive after today. I could have done better… but I chose the path of least pain, because my kindness makes me into a wimp more often than not.
My advice, if you want to die sincerely, is to learn to hate those you’ll leave behind. Then you can justify doing whatever you need to to them as a basis of achieving your escape. As for now, still in this morbid cell of my body, waiting the long method for it to end.