My dreams are becoming stranger and stranger. I can’t tell if it’s because I’m bored or because I’ve been off my medication for a while. I can barely remember what I was dreaming about earlier, but I could tell that even during the dream I was confused about what was going on. Something about changing times and places. Being in middle school and then in high school and then someone else and not myself. Just nonsense.
My brother is having girl problems. He just finished middle school. I’m not sure if I believe in god, but the times when I have prayed to him, I always asked that my brother would have it better. I don’t want him to be alone. I don’t want him to be miserable. I don’t want him to obsess and be crippled by pointless anxiety and depression. Seeing him become so shriveled up by this is frustrating. I kind of just want to rip the band aid off and tell him that life is just going to be disappointing and to move on. To not spend every waking moment thinking and obsessing over what it all means and trying to think of all different scenarios and how to respond. It makes me angry to see him this way, but I also understand that this is just something he’s going to have to deal with. There simply is no escaping it.
It’s been two weeks since I’ve tried to talk to her. I’m just tired. I keep saying that and going back, but I don’t know. Maybe it will stick this time. So tired of chasing her and trying to see how she’s doing and hoping she cares back. She simply doesn’t. It’s not like I’m ignoring her. She knows how to get a hold of me. If she needed to talk, she would. I’ll answer her. But if she doesn’t want to talk, then she doesn’t want to talk. No point in trying and trying and trying and trying to make her care. To hope that she cares. It is what it is. Just have to keep going.