I know as I lost a best friend to suicide nearly six years ago while living abroad. He mostly didn’t respond to people reaching out and we didn’t know precisely where he physically was, but those more proximal to him say they could’ve been more forceful. I could have too maybe.
Now I tread dangerously close to the edge all the time, except I’ve attempted to partially opened up to people about it. Multiple different ones over a long period of time. Made dark statements, ask for a little engagement time to stave off the misery. And everyone just was super fucking hands off. Some of them even repeatedly ask if I’m okay given I’m getting bitter and taking longer to reply to messages, and even when I say I’m. It there’s no initiative. Some of these are people who also knew my departed friend. Others try to force solutions, and yet others just talk about themselves and how issue x isn’t a problem for them so they don’t know what to say (why the fuck are you even asking me then?!). This is all to say nothing of those who have just fucked off without respect to all of this. People suck.
It’s gotten to the point where I’m sick of all the subpar responses. Admittedly most of the blame is on the order of the universe that compels people to either not make or have the time for such things outside the sphere of their own existence, but I don’t know how to behave around these people who are apparently friends because I feel as though the only way for them to get it through their heads is to flat out tell them I regularly think of and look forward to death, but also fear they also won’t even get that. I have begun to want to distance myself from them so they won’t feel such a sting when the time inevitably does come. I’m just fucking exhausted with it all.