Still alive. Not alive and well, but alive at the very least. I’ve thought about self deletion but I’ve not been able to think of any sorts of methods or anything. Is that cowardly of me? Is it selfish? I don’t know. But I’m still trying to hold on. Everything just feels dark. I can’t shake it off, I haven’t been able to for months. I feel like its growing, even.
But I don’t know how to make it stop, I can’t break this stupid cycle that I’ve found myself in. It makes me feel really stupid and worthless, if I can’t get out if this then how am I going to be able to make something of myself? Or help the people I care about? It’s frustrating.
I’ve been angry for seemingly no reason lately, everything just frustrates or annoys me. I have a sister who’s pretty young, and she already tends to p!ss me off intentionally as it is. But now even when she tries to be nice, I’m agitated, because I just want to be left alone. I lash out, and feel awful later. But it’s not like I can explain it to her. For one, she doesn’t care all that much, she doesn’t want to accept that I need a break when I try to tell her. For the other, she’s simply too young, and she doesn’t need to know. No one here really needs to know, the adults wont really care anyway. It’s pretty much “get over it” or “pray about it” most of the time getting in trouble either way.
I know it makes me an asshole to lash out like that – or to be cold and distant with the people I care about. I don’t understand myself why I’ve been doing it. Stress, maybe, but what of? I feel like I havent had a chance to really breathe.
No one knows how bad it really is. The people who knew at all think I’m completely fine now, my mom has some suspicions, but she really has no idea. I’ve kept my mouth shut to them about it for years. I can’t just spill everything now, it’d cause so much sh!t. So I just don’t now. But I have to do something, and that’s usually the first thing that would come to mind, however stupid it may be.
I know I’m probably wasting my time, wasting my breath, thinking about it. I’m not optimistic enough to think I’ll ever be really happy, I guess what I’m striving for is contentment, and definitely less of this. I won’t say that I don’t want to hate myself, because I feel like it’s truly deserved. I’d rather just not think of me at all, and just go on with life. If I do decide to keep going, that is. As of now, I do want to try to keep going. I don’t really know why, and I’m sure it wont really effect anyone but myself, for better or worse. I’ll start working on a back up plan, for whenever, but for now I’m gonna keep going, and try to progress in this life as much as I have the strength to.
I kind of hate the idea of it though. Because that means I need to start doing things. I’ll have to take on responsibilities and its gonna stress me the hell out. I’m gonna have to be an adult, which sucks. I never really wanted to grow up. I think I just wanted to play video games all day and eat all the ice cream and chocolate that I wanted. Those days are long gone.
Maybe I can find myself something new to do to distract myself, as that’s honestly the only way I’ve been able to cope, although I guess that’s not healthy, I dont know. I just want to try. Even if it makes me a pathetic loser who’s too afraid to die even when it hurts to live.