watching someone or something else self destruct/implode….

Right, no secret at all I’ve been having “jump ship” thoughts about the work I’m doing for over a month. Just this gut feeling, you spend most of your life in sinking ships, you start learning to bail early. I wasn’t allowed to, apparently I need to watch this shit go south.

We’re a sub contractor, our company works for the general contractor who works for the store that we’re building. In the last few days the owners of the store have been expressing frustration that we aren’t done yet. That’s the polite way of saying it. This multi national company is throwing a full blown temper tantrum that they want it now OR ELSE.

The or else is they’ll fire our whole company off the job, and a few others. This is going to get complicated for them because all of us are under contract, we haven’t violated our contract in any meaningful way. \

Random thought; I’ve been thinking about studying law, becoming a lawyer, but I wanted to find an area to practice where I could live my morals. Contract law might be it, I’d trade my best shoes to sue this awful company.

Anyway, labor shortage plus badly behaving company would tend to not work out well, but we’ll see. A lot of people who really care and are good at their work have been at getting this thing afloat, maybe there is a redemptive story arc around the corner.

I doubt it. I came very close today to telling my boss “I quit this contract. I’ll work anywhere else, or I’ll wait for another project, but this one is not going well, it doesn’t look like it ever will, and I’m sick of performing life support”

Like, I’m looking forward to working overnights on one of our next few contracts, because it’s for a repeat client and closer to my house.

Probably the worst effect of all this is that I don’t get to drink after work. We have a house rule; only drink after a good day. Today wasn’t, I haven’t had a good day in over a month. It’s great I have that willpower, but it’s a sucky feeling to hate your job this much, especially when the problems are known and removable.

I’m supposed to see my therapist on Thursday, not sure if I want to take the time off to go or do it virtually from my car. In person tends to help more, but virtual I get paid for the time, and since pay is all this job is doing right now, that’s a hard thing to cut into.

I also still feel casually suicidal. Like if I didn’t take the drugs that grant me numbness and apathy every four hours, I’d probably be suicidal. Then again, that is how medication works….. IDK, really disillusioned with psychology and psychiatry right now. It’s like going to seminary often causes more faith issues than it solves, getting a degree in mental health doesn’t make it better, it makes it harder.

Most of my therapists are barely more qualified than me. As in, they paid for one additional useless degree that I have no interest in procuring. I consider myself smarter than them, not perhaps in their area of specialty, but in recognizing a career in mental health as an elaborate scam before going  all in on investing in it.

It’s like I feel about Scientology. Yes, it’s fascinating. Yes, I enjoy studying it. I also understand that it is a toxic pyramid scheme developed by a sociopath on more drugs than any human has a right to take. We can agree that psychology is untrustworthy, but that’s about it. It’s like I can agree with Mormons that family is important, or most Christians that God is, but usually not much else.

I’ve never been a joiner. I don’t have whatever that piece is that allows me to sacrifice my pride to appeal to the group I want to impress. In some ways, important ways, it makes me feel less human, and more alone.