I’m not sure I can be happy…

So many times I’ve been told before that people “don’t think I can be happy.” I’m starting to think they are right. My anxiety and depression have gotten to the point where my medication isn’t working. This runs in my family, so there’s just no one to even talk to. It’s like, when I’m in front of the counselor, I can’t even convey the hurt inside. I always try to put on this face that everything is fine… and it’s not.

I think working from home has been really bad for me. I’ve been thinking about suicide a lot lately. My job is horrible. I have a new boss that has made it even worse. My last company I worked at for 6.5 years. I was never happy while I was there, but now that I’m gone I miss it.

I feel so guilty… I have everything someone could want. A beautiful house, a wife, 2 kids, and great cars. My wife and I together make a ridiculous amount of money… but it never seems to be enough. We still live virtually paycheck to paycheck. Now I have all this crap, and I feel like I can’t leave my job. I can’t do something with less stress. It’s literally the definition of trapped. I don’t know where I can go and do something different to make even close to the same amount. Without the money, I don’t know how I could continue to pay to support my family. It’s like there’s literally no good solution.

It’s led me to a very dark place. I sit at home by myself when I should be working, and instead I cry. I look for jobs, get hopeless… consider my options… and then repeat.

My wife loves me unconditionally. I wish I could be as great for her and she has been for me and the kids. I know if I go through, she’d get my life insurance, and probably find someone new in a few years. The hurt and pain though that my children would feel just upsets me so much. I know my wife would be shocked, and I wouldn’t want her to find me… which is why I stopped last week.

I don’t know anymore. I know if I told her how I really felt, and where I am now; she’d tell me to quit my job and we’d figure it out. But, I just don’t want to go down that road.

I don’t know what I’ll do. I feel like if I tell my counselor or psychiatrist where I’m at, it will just make things worse. I feel like that would cause problems. It just all makes my head spin, and hurt. If someone has advice, I could sure use some. Thanks for whoever has read this.