Man wtf

Never thought I’d be here but I feel how I feel. Many around me but I still feel alone. Tired of the betrayal, lies, fakes. It’s not the world but the ppl in the world that makes it feel shitty. I treat ppl with kindness, respect and sometimes even love…all for the effort to backfire. My dad is alive but I never felt like a princess cause he hasn’t been in my life as a real dad should have been. He was in jail when I was born and also hit my mom in her stomach while I was in the womb. If I would’ve died that may have been better because I truly dislike it here. My dad calls me to talk but I have no bond, no daughter-dad love type of feel. He’s just another man in this world to me. Never there for me when I’m going through life’s experiences. Never taught me how to get through life’s challenges. I have a mom and she’s always been there for me and I appreciate her but growing up all I received was material possessions, which as an adult is irrelevant to me. I’ve tried to find my outlet in relationships to come to a dead end. Currently in a situation-ship with someone who says they love me but then disrespects me, hurts me and brings me down… something like a narcissist. He is manipulative and bipolar. I can honestly say if it weren’t for my children I would end it all. It would be good fkn bye  to the material possessions because that’s all this world has to offer at this point. No true meaning of love, peace nor life has been presented to me other than the love from my children and a few ppl that are now deceased. I miss my grandma btw she was my rock before cancer took her life. Fk cancer. She really had my back . I’m in a dark place and no one knows because I always have on a “happy mask” and when ppl ask am I ok, I lie and say yes all the time with the fear that they’ll see weakness in someone that is looked at as strong. I’m  just not bold enough to end my life… I have to be here for my children and I believe in the creator of the universe… so I don’t want to disappoint. Guess I’m just stuck for now, sigh.