I was supposed to start a new project last week, so seven days ago I stayed up all night, because the project is going to involve working overnights…. and when I woke up the next afternoon there was no project. I spent the week working on little other stuff, because essential material has yet to be delivered. I even worked Saturday, something I almost never do.
I’m not really complaining, a week where I barely went to work is not that much of a hardship… it’s the symbolism here. I’ve worked really hard, and in most cases the thing I prepared for haven’t happened. I got a four year college degree for pity sake in prep for grad school, and here I am running wire as if I never went to school.
Then there are hints, about things I long for, and I don’t know if they are really there. As I said, preparing for a future that may not be.
No way out but through. I’m sitting up in the middle of the night right now, and in an hour or two I’ll go to bed, and wake up 8 hours later or so. Then I’ll face whatever reality is there. I have no hope it will be one I am remotely prepared for….
Oh, another big stressor is my medications. I’ve been on anti depressants for awhile, mood stabilizers, sleep aids and so on. A few weeks ago in a moment of brilliant panic I decided to start presorting my meds for the week, and in many ways it has been a good thing… but it resulted in me losing my anti depressant, and a week ago going to get temporary doses. Which would have only lasted 7 days, if I wasn’t so darn paranoid. I cut the dose in half, which should hold me over until my next refill
Then I start hoarding, I’ve got to get REALLY good at hoarding medication, because gaps tend to result in gaps in sanity.
The upshot; I’m doing okay on the lesser dose…. which may mean that someday I could live without it entirely…. talk about a future that may never be, eh?
dreams and nightmares, who can tell the difference without context of where one wakes up