I’m so in love with this girl that I cry and feel nauseous every day, clearly I am lovesick. Everyone supports me. I have removed all of the negativity that was in my life before and I am able to communicate properly with everyone around me. So now I am the only problem left. And I know just the solution to that hahahahahha. I know they care about me, they just dont know how happy they would be if I was gone really, how much of a positive impact it would make when I’m gone, it would be a relief for everybody! I’m clearly not meant for love, not when I feel like this after knowing someone for like… 5 days? I am literally going insane, and I dont want help, I just want everyone to know that that’s the way it is, and if I suddenly kill myself then that’s why LMAO I should really just be honest but why would I do that when I can just dance around the fire and play around and PRETEND to be happy, and normal, and like have a functioning life, you know all of this stuff in my brain, wanting to kill myself and all, it’s just imaginary really, I dont actually believe this stuff, but you know, I kinda do because doesnt it just feel so so os so sos ossoososo much BETTER? I mean, just fantasizing about me being dead makes me SOOOOOO happy, but I dont want to do it, it’s just a fantasy, and like I promised everyone that I would try to be better, and I have to keep my promises right??????? THAT WOULD MAKE IT BETTER. I know. I sound like I’m crazy, I probably am crazy, all this being alone in my room and not taking the antipsychotic medication and not being able to sleep and being SOOOOO OBSESSED with this one girl and saying that I’m grateful to everybody and being sosososo positive, it’s great and all, but wouldnt it be so much better if I never existed at all? hahaha. Yeah. I think it would be. But what am I saying, I’m not like this. I am trying to be a healthy and positive and loving and caring individual, so WHYYYY is it like this???? WHYYY do I just want to, I dont know, jump in front of a highway? Really. I mean,it’s just so ridiculous right? I am just saying allllll of this stuff but really it’s just a FANTASY, I am PRETENDING to be like this, I am not REALLY like this, or maybe I am just in DENIAL? But why would I be suicidal? It just doesnt make sense. IT DOESNT MAKE SENSE!!! Cant these thoughts that I have in my head just stop, why do I need constant validation from other people, why do I just exist and continue existing. All these “friends” that I have, would they really care if I suddenly disappeared? Probably not. They wouldnt even miss me! Maybe they’d even be happy I’m gone! So happy. Just like I’d be happy when I’m dead. But how, hoowwww would I be happy when I’m dead? There is no life after death, it never gets better, this is ALL IT IS, and yeah sure, I’ve been saying that I want to be christian and I have been reading the bible regularly recently, but I just feel so guilty when I read it, so I pray to God for forgiveness, I know I shouldnt have made a promise I couldnt keep, and now because of that I am insane and I want to kill myself. Is that the way it is? I was 16 years old, I didnt know what I was doing. But I cant blame anyone else. In the end, this is all my fault. And no matter how much I pretend to be positive, and loving, and no matter how much love I surround myself with, I will always be like this. The reality is, even if someone really did love me and I loved them back, which I think might be happening right now, I just become so lovesick that they would surely get tired of me. It’s just a matter of time. Everyone leaves me. Like… at least half of the friends that I made this year killed themselves. How fucked up is that? I dont even want to think about it. Why does everyone around me just die? Is it my fault? Why do they have to die? And they’re not going to be saved, because they took their own lives and that’s a sin. I just feel so bad for them. I dont know what to do, I’ve been trying to find out what to do, I’ve been trying, I really have, I’ve been trying to change, but maybe it’s true that you’re always the same person that you’re born as? I want to keep trying, but I really am going crazy. All of the thoughts in my head… there are too many of them. All kinda of negative thoughts and positive thoughts and neutral thoughts. So many different kinds of thoughts. And why do I have them? I dont like thinking that much, because as you can see, when I think I end up having to rant on this website. I love her, I really do, but does she feel the same way? I mean she’s busy, she has a life, she has a job, she has friends. It makes sense that she can’t spend all of her time with me. And she did promise me that she would be with me tomorrow. So I trust her. Because that’s all I can do. I can only trust her… I dont know what I can do, am I just doing everything the wrong way? Clearly I should get a job, I mean look at me. My mind wanders, and it keeps on wandering, and it never stops wandering, it finds a place to work for a while, and then when it decides it’s done it has to leave again. It can never just stay in the same place, when I finally think I’m doing the right thing, you know, praying to God, I’m not even watching porn anymore, and I have 0 desire to, reading the bible, making friends, going to therapy, having healthy converations with family members, I mean they are all supposed to make me feel better but I feel the same. I shouldnt expect instant results, I know, I know I’m impatient, but will I ever be enough for myself? I always thought that it’s my parents forcing me to behave a certain way, but no it’s me, and why am I like this? Yes, what is wrong with me? Everyone thinks I’m weird. Everything about me is weird I guess. She said that I’m weird in a good way and that she wants to get to know me better, I dont know if I can be the person that she needs. Do I really have it in me to yell at someone when I’m not even mad at them? She said that she likes being yelled at, I dont know. Am I really that dominant guy that will yell at her? Probably not honestly. I’m too soft, I would feel guilty and insecure if I did that. I dont even know how I feel. Well at least I’ve written pretty much everything down? Do I feel happier? Do I have any peace of mind? Did I learn anything? No. No, I never learn. I’ll always be the same. That’s just the way it is, isnt it? I thought that I was different for a while, but this is exactly the way I felt with my first relationship except now it’s EVEN MORE INTENSE. I dont wanna know. I dont wanna know what it is. I mean, I definitely have some form of mental illness, I just dont know what. I mean, I get reminded that people love me more than daily, and it’s still not enough. So when is it enough? When will it ever be enough? And even if someone does go all the way with me and give me all the love and intimacy that I need, is that going to solve anything or is it just going to make me worse? This just reminds me of that book I read. Fucking, Prozac Nation lol, I only read it because of a sample from the movie in a song I listened to. I’m not gonna say what song… iykyk. I mean sure, reading is fun, reading the book that she recommended to me is fun, thinking about her while I’m doing it… listening to coldplay because she said I should… I’ve listened to like 4 coldplay albums these past 2 days JUST BECAUSE SHE TOLD ME TO. I really think I would do almost anything she told me to do. And I mean, I did promise her that I would study more so I could get good grades, so maybe I should do that. I promised her. I did promise her that. So why am I not doing that? I keep telling myself, oh it’s a process, these things take time, you’ve been through a lot these past few years, and even before that, and I mean that’s true. I know it’s true. But it sounds like bullshit. Whatever. I’m done.
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7 comments
Rather liberal use of the word “love”, I’m sure the attraction is very strong, but love is a mutual thing, if validated and allowed to grow over time
It certainly does feel like being sick, sometimes. That’s not the common long term outcome. Some people are chasing the high of early attraction forever, when it fades with one partner they are on to the next, and it just keeps going. I met a guy like that who was 67 years old, he looked awful, and he was pretty miserable in general about his lack of permanence.
The thing to realize at this stage is that she is an idea to you, how well you know her is limited by what information she freely gives out. Your brain has filled in the gaps, probably with traits that you like, but they may not exist in the actual person. Knowing someone, flaws and all, and accepting them, that is love.
Not sure if this will be of any help, only that I was a frustrated young man once, full of a desire for love, struggling with what to do with it. Eventually I made my peace with my desires, and right around the time I became willing to accept that I could be whole without a romantic relationship at all was when I met my wife, and we have now been together almost ten years…. No one sat down and explained all this to me when I was young, I had to figure it out by trial and error. Not that I’m old now, but I’m firmly in the middle stage of my life.
It also is never certain that one will not be alone. Even now, I realize how my comfort and companionship could be gone in a flash. Which is why I learned to deal with it last time it was my reality. When I learned to love myself, loving others got easier
OP, organize your thoughts into paragraphs, it’ll make it easier to read and understand your situation.
I’ll be frank, few people care to read and reply to a wall of text. I’d recommend editing your post.
Have you considered that I’m writing for myself and not for you? I just want to get the thoughts out of my head, I dont care if you read it or not.
You wrote that post for yourself yet chose to post it publicly so everyone can read it and you left the comments on? Lol ok champ.
I hope you don’t change your name or always write walls of text so I’ll know to avoid your posts (meant for yourself ofc) in the future.
Burning bridges with people who could offer you positive advice on a suicide site? You’re making all the right moves buddy.
Seriously??? Must we meet your expectations to post now Soda? Jeeesusss….
Yes Once, don’t forget it must be written in iambic pentameter form as well or I won’t even look at it. 😉
Kidding aside, all I suggested was to put the post in readable paragraphs and heads started exploding.
That’s fine though, I can see how prickly and overly sensitive some people can be here.
If people write in an unreadable format, I won’t read it (I’m sure many others won’t either).
I just hope those same people don’t cry later about how nobody replies to their posts, I’ve seen those as well here.