unavoidable, or what doesn’t kill you the first time

I flamed out of child welfare, as in it very nearly broke me sufficiently that I couldn’t get better…. and I thought that would be that, I’d move on with whatever was left of my life. I didn’t want to get back up, and so far the experience has been everything I worried it would be, namely painful. I’m still grasping at straws financially, it appears being paid a living wage just isn’t done in this culture…..

and suddenly I realize that where I am now is worse than child welfare. Not emotionally, but financially. I thought that was draining me dry, but this…. it’s just being dry all the time, waiting for the pain to be sufficient that I want to die…

Which is how I came to reapply to child welfare. The past three weeks have been every bit as bad as anything I experienced on that stupid job, and that stupid job had benefits, the longer I did it the more they paid me, and they would have paid me to go back to school.

I feel like this is the ultimate act of self destruction. Last time, I just barely pulled myself out…. but the fucking money is important, and maybe I’ve learned enough to do better. Maybe, or maybe it’ll just end me, I’m ready either way.