Living without motivation is pretty miserable. Each day I wake up feeling tired, even if I’ve slept the night before. I get maybe 1-2 hours of having enough energy to function during the day, the rest of the time I’m just drifting through, putting off anything that takes effort. Every day is the same. Nothing ever gets better, it only slowly gets worse. I suppose that by definition this is depression – I have very little internal drive or pressure to get things done. I am literally de-pressed. There’s not enough inside my mind to force myself to function.
There’s so much that I need to do. I need to clean my place so it’s less of a tip when my landlord comes round, so I don’t get evicted. I need to find new sources of work before I lose my only client in October, and before my energy bill doubles. I need to figure out the tax stuff I have to file for self-employment. I need to fix my chronic back pain. I need to start exercising again. There is no lack of external pressure or reasons to get my shit shit together. If I don’t sort my shit out, I will end up homeless, or moving back in with family, neither of which seem acceptable. It’s not quite life or death, but there’s plenty of pressure there.
But I still put off everything for as long as I can. My life is incredibly messy and disorganized. I have no self-discipline. I do have the urgent voices in my mind constantly telling me “you need to do this!” But a large part of me just doesn’t care. Rationally, I know that it can get so much worse than it is right now. But emotionally, I just don’t care. Part of me wants it to be over. For it to get so bad that I have no choice but to end it. Because this isn’t a life worth living.
It’s not that there’s nothing that I want from life. It’s that it all feels incredibly unrealistic, and even if I did somehow get it, I don’t believe I would be able to really enjoy it. I don’t believe in a future for myself anymore. I don’t have hope. So I’m just drifting through life. There is no goal. Even trying to make things less painful seems pretty pointless, since my mind inevitably fixates on all the negatives. I would probably be miserable even if my circumstances didn’t suck.
So I have my endless list of things I should be doing, and pressing reasons to do them as soon as possible. But my heart just isn’t in it. In living. It’s not for anything. I don’t care enough, about anything, to force myself to really function day to day. I can force myself to meet a work deadline, because then it’s clearer to me that if I don’t, I lose my income. But anything more pre-emptive that might actually improve my circumstances long term just feels empty. Why exercise, or eat better, or take care of my teeth, or look for new work clients? Because it might mean less pain down the road? Fuck that shit! If the only future I can imagine is one more or less miserable, I want no part of it. I’d rather check out, and numb myself in the here and now.
Which is completely irrational and counter-productive. And I know that in a few weeks, or months, or years, I will once again be cursing my past laziness. But I just can’t bring myself to care. I can’t push myself to fight for a life that would be marginally less miserable. I can’t bear to face that reality 24/7. I would rather retreat into fantasy, addiction, and delusion.