Tw: mentions of SA, ODing, etc.
Well. It’s been quite the fucking year. And gods do I hate myself. I’m going to start it off with the main thing. When I was 18 1/2 or so I started dating this 40 year old piece of trash. And my mother knew that he was practically a pedophile. Like a step away from crossing the line. He’s currently out of jail and shit. But I just feel absolutely fucking disgusted with myself. And my mother didn’t say shit, in fact she was jealous over the entire thing. Fucking jealous. And then not long after I learned what happened with that entire thing, my mom committed suicide by drug overdosing, and that fucked me up. And I’ve just been struggling for the past year to just live. I don’t bloody know how to “adult” and I’ve been pushed into it with zero warning. Better sooner than later but still, it’s fucked me over royally. And then about a month or a month and a half ago I learned that I’m part of a fucking system. And that I have some form of osdd-1b. Which is terrific. I’m being sarcastic. I’m now living on my own, I have zero physical friends, my mental health is in the deep end of the gutter and I feel so overwhelmed and most depressed and suicidal even on some days. And it’s just…. so much. And I guess I’ve been needing to get it out for awhile but funnily enough I’m not really even feeling some sort of release. Or emotion at all. Oh, and I lost two other major people in my life, one because I’m an idiot, and the other because he wasn’t good for me, or our system. Which on a side note, I’ve been having so many doubts about even having a system. And yeah. I keep holding shit inside and gods I’m just so fucking frustrated. And tired. And yeah.