Disconnected

I wrote the second half of this text a couple of months ago but I had a similar thought again so I thought I should expand on it.

I had the realization, that I don’t see myself as a real person. Everyone else seems to take the fact that they are real for granted – not me. It’s not a philosophical thing, it’s really just the way I feel. I imagined being torn inside out about 20 minutes ago, it was a nice thought. I can imagine the burning sensations when my raw insides get exposed to the outside world. I can see my ribs bending backwards making it look like I have wings. It’s a very beautiful image I think, but of course, it’s just a fantasy and it can never become real.

I’ve also had constant suicidal thoughts today. It started when I woke up. I thought to myself, I really have to kill myself. Why do I want to kill myself? I dont know. (I know now, I just want to explain my thought process). Then throughout the day, I fantasized about explaining my method to someone I know, although I won’t say the method that I thought I would use. I guess you could say, it’s an elaborate method that involves several methods and let’s leave it at that.

Anyway. I kept thinking that… and smiling and laughing about it. Like my life is a joke. Again, I don’t see myself as a real person. I’m very detached from myself, I talk to myself a lot, usually in second person. I refer to myself as “you”, when I talk to myself. I say to myself, “You should really eat more.”, “You definitely shouldnt kill yourself, why do you even want that?”, “You should care more about the people around you, your friends and your family.” 

I’ve always been trying to become a real person by finding myself in someone else. I think: I just want to love and be loved, that’s the only thing I want, but I am not meant for love, I don’t belong anywhere. That’s why I should remove myself from life. I don’t belong in this world, I don’t belong in any world. I just want all of the thoughts in my head to stop.

THE THOUGHTS! Constantly, constantly, the thoughts that I have consume me, and I wish, I wish sooo much that the thoughts would just stop, just for one second, that they would stop, that I wouldn’t have to think or feel anymore, that I would get a lobotomy and become a vegetable forever.

Then, when I am in an almost catatonic state, I think: “Well this is actually really inconvenient. I don’t like this at all.” and it keeps going on like this, and my mind has been like this for almost three years and it’s so, so terribly exhausting.

The reason I cling onto all these people so obsessively over the internet when I barely know a single thing about them, is because I think it will turn me into a real person. 

(Post below that I was expanding on. Right now, I’m not romantically involved with anyone, and I don’t really want to be either.)

I’ve always felt disconnected from everyone else. I think it’s because I cant feel enthusiasm. I have never felt enthusiastic about anything, not even when I was a child. I never understood how someone could be more than just a little excited about something. I’m jealous of cats because they just play and sleep all day and seem so happy. I’m jealous of everyone else because it seems like they have another layer of emotion that I don’t. Emotionally, and physically, I feel so disconnected. The only person who hugs me is my mother, and I don’t like her, I think she’s very narcissistic. But everyone likes the way I look. I’m very skinny. Too skinny in my opinion, I am very weak and there is nothing I can do about it. I have a good jawline, nice hair, blue eyes. Sometimes I feel like a doll, too precious for other people to touch. I am 18 years old but I have never even kissed anyone. Even more reason to feel disconnected. I mean, everyone has had their first kiss already except for me. I could have gotten my first kiss a long time ago, but the girl I fell in love with was too far away. She’s gonna die in November, she told me she lives in Germany and is very rich, but she’s also terminally ill and very unstable mentally. Maybe she’s already dead. I don’t know, I havent talked to her in almost a year, but I still think about her. There was another girl too, she lived in the UK, but I honestly didnt care much for her. And now I’m talking to a girl who lives in Canada, she is very nice to me. She gives me a lot of compliments. I wish I could meet someone irl though. I don’t sleep much, maybe 4 or 5 hours a day, but I’m not tired. However, I’m afraid that something bad will happen if I don’t start taking my new medication. I’ll have to ask my mom to give me the recipe, the clinic still uses her email instead of mine, I am going to ask them to change it. I’m already starting to hear noises at night again. I heard knocking on the door tonight, and last night as well. Someone in my brothers room. He’s not at home. He’s living with his girlfriend now. I don’t blame him, this house takes a toll on you, not just because of the people who live here. We live in the attic so there’s like no heat isolation, at summer it’s over 30 degrees constantly and during winter it’s like 10-15 degrees or something. It’s really not that pleasant.