I’ve been in the ICU since Monday. The rash on my body has slowed, but I’m starting to bleed from my mouth and penis constantly. My lips scab over and fall off pretty much every day. I’m starting to have open wounds on my neck and scrotum. I feel so claustrophobic being hooked up to IVs and machines. I haven’t taken a shower and I smell like shit. I hate this. I can’t keep up with school and am already behind. I barely understand the assignments.
My mom brought up maybe taking a year off school to recuperate from this and my manic episode. But I would feel like I’m running away. I feel scared. I already feel like I’m failing, and this hospitalization isn’t helping. I don’t know what to do. I can’t sleep cause I’m up thinking of all the ways I’ll screw this up. I don’t understand. I’m scared out of my mind. I hate this. I hate being me. Being a failure. I saw this coming and even then I couldn’t help hoping that I’d do it. I just want to curl up and die. It would be easier.