I’ve been in the ICU since Monday. The rash on my body has slowed, but I’m starting to bleed from my mouth and penis constantly. My lips scab over and fall off pretty much every day. I’m starting to have open wounds on my neck and scrotum. I feel so claustrophobic being hooked up to IVs and machines. I haven’t taken a shower and I smell like shit. I hate this. I can’t keep up with school and am already behind. I barely understand the assignments.
My mom brought up maybe taking a year off school to recuperate from this and my manic episode. But I would feel like I’m running away. I feel scared. I already feel like I’m failing, and this hospitalization isn’t helping. I don’t know what to do. I can’t sleep cause I’m up thinking of all the ways I’ll screw this up. I don’t understand. I’m scared out of my mind. I hate this. I hate being me. Being a failure. I saw this coming and even then I couldn’t help hoping that I’d do it. I just want to curl up and die. It would be easier.
2 comments
You aren’t a failure
Don’t call yourself that
the only way out is through sometimes. It sucks, no doubt, but you have the choice to frame it as you please. Yes, you can frame ANYTHING as failure, god knows I have. However, catastrophic burnout is worse than taking a step back and trying again. You’re trying to take on more than you can handle, at least that’s what it sounds like.
You can’t always white knuckle through such things. Sometimes the body, the mind, they have limits, and they put their foot down on certain points.
I guess the question is what do you want? Do you want to continue in graduate studies? Do you want to work in the private sector? Do you want to do something else. Do it, or try and figure out how you can. I want to work my garden, read my books and be left alone. What I do today enables that future, and that makes it tolerable.
You deserve better, I know the self hatred is crushing, but you know that you deserve better