I refrained from posting last night, because I thought I had a therapy appointment today…. and I did, it just was occupied entirely by treatment plan review. How this works is that I spend about half an hour entering answers to the same psychological screeners I’ve been doing for 15 years, then spend my entire therapy session talking about my answers.
Which means that today, my first therapy appointment in a month, was spent entirely doing the state’s business.
I gripe about it, though I know that paperwork is why I get free drugs and therapy…. I guess I’m saying that if someone is known to be chronically ill, as in mentally ill over multiple decades, a six month review is pretty damn silly. I also think that anyone who has spent more than three years working within the system, administering such screeners should either get different screeners or just a pass.
It also almost always means I’m either over negative or over positive, because I’m required to come down hard on how suicidal I am, and how often. This time I went with understating, focusing on that at least half the time I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up, the most dull part of the whole thing. To be honest, I’ve been suicidal in the last week, it’s just the crisis resolved when I quit the soul sucking project I was on.
Which is why I really wanted a therapy appointment, I’m having some seriously conflicted feelings. I chose health, and family, and that feels good. At the same time, my cultural and family beliefs would indicate that holding down a job would be better. When I quit the project I had just done a reasonably good interview with another company, then Tuesday of this week they told me they were hiring someone else.
What now? I know that I should apply to jobs, but I am still so drained, and I was holding it together hoping I’d get to explore those feelings in session…
There’s so much I should be doing, but I settle for doing the few things that make it not so bad. Then I have to fight my own guilt about spending time on myself and not on “necessary” projects.
I’d say I’d hoped for better, but more accurately I didn’t realize that my life would underperform on this level.
Which isn’t exactly a pro suicidal attitude, but it is certainly suicide adjacent. Feeling that my decisions end up blowing up in my face is a big driver in why I personally want to die….. so an anti suicidal strategy would be to guide me to decisions I can’t screw up, towards people who can help me.
Then again, I’m a seriously weird social outcast who couldn’t even make high school work…. it’s understandable that no one including myself considers me a reputable source for the way things need to be.
I hate treatment plan review, that’s the main point, with a side bit that it is part of where I live, which I also hate.
I had a new neighbor move in today, he’s nice. Mixed bag of a day I’m saying. The weather was nice, but I was too tired to enjoy it…… at best today was a wash, I’m saying, equally unpleasant and pleasant.