Having a planet full of blossoming minds is so hard, when you want to be the one, to create something that’s new. Being mediocre is a lifetime goal, for some. I’ve always fallen out of the cookie cutter, which was meant to shape me into something worthwhile. Don’t touch me, I’m far from getting a smile plastered on with permanent icing. I’ve gripped the pencil, as I saw fit. I drew what scared me inside. Nobody can guess the emotion.
I said ‘good morning’ for the first time to the lady that runs behind me with her cup to ask for spare change every day on my route. I’ve always avoided her. My own finance situation made me feel more uncomfortable, than hers. She’s got a lovely smile. The cookie cutter worked on you once, didn’t it.? Or maybe lots of times.
I’ve given up my future dreams later this afternoon, this morning I had been fine.
This new routine… I’m scared it isn’t mine. And I’m scared, that rotting away at home, isn’t necessarily my choice either. I haven’t owned myself, like society and people owned me. And yet, there was nothing exhilarating about it.
I won’t have a midlife-crisis later, if I continue to use it up all now, right.? I think I’ve adored hobbies lately, that only lasted like a week. I’m afraid of boredom. Never actually had it, like other people claim ever so frequently.
I’ve been cursed with an aesthetic eye, but not the ability to get the pace right. Seemingly I’m living life 3 times slower, than others. I’m a half-accomplisher. I’ll belong to someone volatile in the future.
Back then, when it was more common to develop photographs, I’ve scratched out my face from some. The term “I feel the way, that you look right now”, has never had a stronger meaning than now.
6 comments
I’m curious, is it the feeling of being okay alone or is it all positive feelings?
For me, I’ve spent most of my life afraid to be ordinary. Now, not even midway through, it seems unavoidable. I also don’t know if you get to skip a midlife crisis by having it early…. I think that most of the negative things we attribute to midlife crisis are consequences of denying the ID, the inner child.
For many men it’s being quite boring and serious, and eventually it takes a toll and they cannot resist the desire to date women way too young for them and drive fast cars.
Then there’s me, bought myself almost everything I ever wanted, denied myself very little. Can’t say I feel any less empty than I might otherwise. I went wild about ten years ago, dated young women, did lots of drugs, it wasn’t something I’d repeat.
I don’t like to be alone, I need my friends and a good conversation to keep me uplifted. So it’s more that feeling of being content and thinking, maybe I can have some sort of life after all. I have not dared to develop a dream or a wish.
Well, that midlife crisis part was more for ‘poetic effect’ but I’m glad you could find some meaning for yourself. For me, I am not that kind of man, that feels the desire or need to go partying, date women and I never cared about cars either.
I feel that there’s other things that I’d rather retrieve from my teenage years. I’m noticing how much time I have unwillingly lost due to depression and other health issues. The school I wanted to study at, feels as though you need skills developed over years and I could’ve acquired them from home, if I had any knowledge of wanting to do this. I don’t feel talented or smart enough and some people just aren’t meant to do jobs like this.
I guess at least you can say, you’ve been through hell and back!
for me , i really hate the whole positive feeling , i love being bad , love being extremely suicidal , love feeling worthless
I’m not sure if I really love that extreme down, as I will dissociate to the point I’m physically unable to move. I prefer kind of a mellow phase, where I’m more thoughtful about circumstances. But yeah, positive feeling makes my stomach turn.
We get comfortable with being fuckin miserable, and we know how to operate in that, so changing out of that mindset is just a lot of work, it’s a struggle, and that’s where we get this feeling. We just wanna protect ourselves from things getting worse while we’re not prepared for it, and you can’t be caught unprepared if you’re always ready to face the misery.
Yes.!! Very much this.! I’m scared for something terrible coming around the corner every day.